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One Last Sleep

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Mum, 1970 edited.jpg

Pretty in Yellow, Picture of The Late Hannah Sarayiah (Isaac's Mum) in or around 1970

Synopsis: She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014

...I haven’t written much this year and even though this is being written for XMAS it is unlike last year’s very informative article, “A Giraffe is not just for XMAS;” this article and my 30th since I started my blog 3 years ago is a more sober and reflective affair.  Sadly my wonderful mum, Hannah, and rock of mine and my siblings lives and star of a, “A Mother’s Love,” died in June this year.  Since then I haven’t been able to focus on my blog or “blob” as Mum used to call it – never quite getting the lingo correct.

On 1st June 2014, Mum had turned 79 years young and me and the rest of the immediate family (including her 19 month year old grandson - my nephew), celebrated with a 3 course Sunday Roast lunch at a gastro pub in North West London. Nine days later she underwent a 4 hour operation to replace her right shoulder at Charing Cross Hospital in Hammersmith.  It was causing her acute distress due to the muscle being worn away with cartilage rubbing against cartilage and having tried every other remedy available on the NHS including very painful steroid injections – this was advised as the only chance of rectifying the problem and healing her pain.  Despite my concerns about her having this operation, as I thought there were grave risks, the day following surgery she looked fantastic to be honest.  Apart from the sling keeping her artificial shoulder in place and the fact her residence was now a hospital – you wouldn’t have been able to tell she had just undergone 4 hours of surgery.  She looked very well in her face and content and very pleased to have survived the procedure.  However, the next day her condition had deteriorated dramatically and the medical staff hadn’t noticed.  She was telling me that something wasn’t right, but my mum said that on many occasions. I questioned the nurse, but she wasn’t overly concerned.

Tragically, Mum was to effectively die that evening in the hospital and I and my younger sister, Camilla Sarayiah, were there with her when she breathed her last natural breath.  I say ‘effectively’ as the crash team managed to revive her several times throughout the night, but she was only alive with the aid of life support and they couldn’t stabilise her and, as far as we could tell, she wasn’t conscious.  I still live that day over and over again in my head – passing time only mildly blunting the vivid images of an elderly rotund Guyanese woman struggling to get up from her hospital bed, then when finally stabilising on her feet – tears streamed down her face moments before life left her body, her eyes rolling in her head and falling back helpless on the hospital bed.  I believe the tears were her knowing she was about to die - it was my mum’s time.  I constantly replay those harrowing events in my head and wondering if there was anything I could have done to save my mum – to change the outcome of destiny, but my Angels had previously told me that when my mum was to go it would be sudden and there would be nothing anyone could do (see "I Believe in Angels") and personally I had thoughts, as to whether she would come back home this time.

At least she lived to, what I would consider, a ‘ripe’ age even though 79 is still relatively young in today’s modern developed Western world. It is also with gratitude that she didn’t suffer a long debilitating painful death despite my mum’s health not being the best; she was type 2 diabetic (as was my late father) and had been for around 20 years with all the consequences that brings. Nevertheless, she still had a pretty good quality of life in her later years and loved being with her extended family.  The jewel in the crown for her was to finally have a grandchild and that made her incredibly happy.  She used to say now she had spent time with her grandchild she could die happy (whenever that time came).

Had the shoulder operation been a success she was to have the left shoulder replaced in time (as that had also gone faulty).  I think she may have been aiming to become the world’s first ‘bionic’ granny having already had her knees swapped for titanium a couple of years back and risk becoming attached to our super stainless steel Liebherr fridge freezer, bringing whole new meaning to a fridge magnet.   She was also an avid recycler – often scolding me for not following her strict recycling regime and she made fantastic sandwiches; she loved flowers, knew all their names and her garden was her pride and joy, but as she succumbed to the growing pains of old age she was unable to tend to her garden except for the most basic of tasks.  And, unfortunately, much to her annoyance, the person she employed as a gardener pulled out her poppies thinking they were weeds(!) a week before she was to have her operation.

Of course I could go on and on about so many wonderful things about her and how she was always there for me even during some very difficult times and the things she had to endure in her lifetime.  I may not have been that reciprocal at times (see “Suicide Blonde”) and at times was also hard on her, but I loved her deeply all the same and we would tell each other that.  She was a warrior – someone who endured great hardship and worked very hard to provide for her 3 children; a life force so kind and unconditionally loving, but also a fighter and a brave soul.  People were drawn to my mum and, as I spend the first Xmas without her, I will always take solace that Hannah was a very special soul and is missed and loved by so many people; but to be honest it doesn’t feel like Xmas anymore.

I reflect on how I could have done a lot more to ease her torment and I was the cause some of the times; I underestimated the pain my mum must have been suffering, which must have been severe to warrant her to undertake the risks of major surgery again and she suffered every day.

Health is the bedrock of everything, yet it is one of the easiest things that is forgotten.  Many of the ailments we suffer in later life may have been preventable if we kept ourselves healthy and fit.  Yet death comes to us all and her life is to be celebrated sun.

My mum went to sleep on 12th June 2014 and I end this article with the eulogy I wrote and spoke at the funeral service and which, to my surprise, received spontaneous applause from the packed church of mourners (my sisters did not receive any applause for their respective eulogies!).  The mourners were from all walks of life and included friends, neighbours, family, the postman, window cleaner and cleaner.

I owe you everything Mum.  Merry XMAS to you in Heaven.

Sleep well



My Eulogy:

...I lived with my mum and so saw her first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Some days – especially on a Saturday morning when I was rushing to go to the gym I would hurry my mum from the bathroom, as at this time her passing years slowed her down.  On other mornings we would hug and kiss and just show our love and appreciation for each other.

I am not the ideal son that she would have dreamt of before I was born – I am certain of that, but she loved me unconditionally all the same.  At times we would have rows – in fact I had one with her recently - a few days before she went into hospital for her ill-fated shoulder operation, but at other times I would just tell her I loved her and she would me and we’d both be very happy.  She stood by me when I got into some difficult situations.

Sadly, as the years wore on, as is natural I suppose, she became more and more frail and her mobility, which once upon a time saw her up and down Neasden on a daily basis with her shopping trolley in tow - became just a memory.  When I was a kid my mum seemed to know everyone she encountered on her 200m walk to Iceland (previously known as Bejam) and 30 years later, she still seemed to know everyone.  At times – well all the time to be honest - it was frustrating, as I selfishly just wanted to get from point A to point B with as little fuss as possible, but she always had time to speak to people and people loved to chat with my mum and emanate love and affection for her.

She was loved by so many people and it is a privilege that I was able to share those moments and the love that she gave, as well as the love from the people her path crossed.

As my mum’s mobility stalled, she decided to get some new knees.  Alas this seemed to make her walk even less and even though I tried to get her to go for walks she decided she’d rather enjoy the likes of Jeremy Kyle and Deal or No Deal instead and wanted to be driven everywhere, which was not good for her.  I was concerned about her fitness levels and that if she didn’t use her knees that they would eventually cause her more pain and that being relatively sedentary was doing her harm, which she didn’t realise.

Nonetheless, at times she would still cook for me and I managed to get her to write down some of my favourite recipes so I will hopefully be able to reproduce them in the future, but I am sure they will never be as good the original.  And recently – me not being the most learned cook – she showed me how to peel a clove of garlic and chop up mushrooms!

At home I used to spend a lot of my time in the front room fiddling with my laptop with my mum sitting on her cream leather recliner in the back room. She would read the celebrity mags such as Now or Ok! and always wanted to hear news about the royal family!  In the evenings she was an avid viewer of Emmerdale, Eastenders, Coronation Street and the Kardashians and it pained me to sit there and watch these with her. I would always try and change the channel, but she wasn’t having any of it.

And it is fitting, I suppose, that in the few minutes before she effectively died I was busy setting up freeview on the tv they had in her hospital room so she could watch her soaps. The tv was one of those old 14 inches, but I had a freeview box so I brought it in and hunted all over the hospital and local shops for a tv aerial cable to get it working and the last thing she saw on telly was the start of the world cup – asking my sister Camilla if that was in Brazil.

Alas this was one operation too far for my mum – maybe lulled into a false sense of security by the relative success of her new titanium knee operations – even if she never used them anything to their full potential. This was an operation that I was weary of and I did not want her to have it and told her so, but she was determined.

And as we all share in our grief and the loss of someone adored and cherished by so many – there will be many now realising that if they visit our home they are unlikely to get offered food and drink with the same voracity that my mum presented.  My mum always made sure our guests and friends were fed and watered and many times it was hard for a visitor to turn her down, as - at the 5th time of asking they succumbed to her caring charm.

As I end this I will just say one thing about my mum, which I did not cherish at the time, but now I will religiously make sure that her wish is kept – and that is to pull the curtains.  My mum was always telling me to pull the curtains – it was as if she was a woman possessed.  It could still have been gloriously sunny outside, but sometime in the evening she would call out, “Isaac, pull the curtains.” And even though at times I did not obey that wish of hers until much later in the evening – when it was actually dark outside, I will always remember my mum when I do so from now on.

The times we did share together and the memories I have of her are precious and can never be taken away and I loved my mum dearly even though I never told her anywhere as much as I should have done, but she will live on in my thoughts and spirit.  I miss you mum and I just hope in Heaven they have some curtains for you to pull.

Rest in Peace.

Thank you

Fiona cropped.jpgPicture of a beautiful rose - Ms Fiona from HR

Synopsis: A Champagne and Rolex Affair...

...Valentine’s Day this year was to prove a day that is never to be forgotten; a day of both monumental developments and news and yet also of great sadness.  Shortly after the publication of my raunchy article, “Sex on Fire,” I was to hear from Modern Day Maria – directly by email all the way from Martinique!

Now I realise I spawned this blog to help bring her back into my life and I have been very open about what happened in the past between us and how that was to affect my life etc.  Yet I am uncomfortable discussing what I consider to be private conversations between her and me.  However, at the same time, I think our readership would like to know that finally after more than 4 years of waiting – she does finally get in contact and one of the things she did say was she never meant to hurt me.  It was her way of apologising for her harrowing decisions and actions of the past which brought me to the brink of my life (see "I believe in Angels" and "Suicide Blonde").  At times, Modern Day Maria will speak in riddles and even though she will stubbornly deny this – it is true and - as I have told her in the past - she has, “a complex way of thinking!”  Fortunately, I can decipher her words and actions and what she really means! (see "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?")

Naturally the effect on me from hearing from her was always going to be emotional, but I didn’t blink an eyelid when I saw her emails and it was just like we were corresponding 4 years back and the special energy between us literally jumps off the page.

I was in jubilation at having heard from her. Having waited so long and standing up for her against everyone including the eminent psychiatrist Dr Adrian Lord and my family and friends throughout the most difficult time in my life – for me to be finally proven to be right is a remarkable event.  And for all this to be happening on Valentine’s Day when she is 4000 miles away and allegedly happy with someone else is even more remarkable, but given our timeline so far I suppose when she finally did make contact it had to be something spectacular and I am sure there is a blockbuster movie with our story once we are together again!

But this was a Valentine’s Day of 2 halves and on this day, I devastatingly was to hurt someone who had become very precious to me - the person I alluded to briefly in my last article, as ‘very wise and clever.’  She is Fiona from HR (or 'HR Extraordinaire,' as she would have us believe)  and she had become an intrinsic part of my life since we met in October 2013.  We had met off a dating website and hit it off literally straight away.  Our first date was at London Bridge Station on a Thursday evening in mid-October and in between the 5 minute walk it took to get to the luxurious bar at the Hilton Hotel, London Bridge where our destiny was going to be mapped out - we were already holding hands and once in the bar, kissing and ordering champagne (her favourite tipple, as I was to find out!).  I told her about what happened to me and Maria in detail and how I felt about her and she was very understanding.  I am naturally honest and if I was to enter into a relationship with another person then it was important for that person to know everything so they could make an informed decision about whether they wanted to get involved with me.

Fiona 'HR Extraordinaire' (or Fi, as I and those closest to her affectionately call her) is - and should come as no surprise - a HR (Human Resources) professional in her early fifties. She is a beautiful, athletically toned, talented, adorable person who dresses as sexily as her incredible smile which lightens up her pale slightly freckled complexion, as if she is being blessed from above.  And just being with her, kissing her and holding her silky smooth hands with illicit coloured nail varnish was, as if a beautiful red rose was kissing my heart and helping it heal.

It was a breath of fresh air being with Fiona and I felt a deep companionship that I hadn’t felt for years and, as we became more and more intimate that evening and our kisses more and more prolonged and passionate, it was clear we really liked each other and there was something special transpiring.

Fiona was recently divorced from a 15 year marriage, which sadly had been an emotional and physically abusive relationship and she finally took the courageous decision to end things.  Of course there were times during this relationship and subsequently afterwards when she had been very depressed and suicidal and I feel so much compassion for her and her pain and I wish, in many respects, I had got to know her before so that I may have been able to help her sooner.

It takes a great deal of courage to be able to break free from a relationship like this after such a long time, as you lose all sense of identity, your self-esteem and who you really are and become a puppet for the other person in many respects.  I am so grateful that finally after such a long time of pain and heartache she came into my life.

Rapidly exploring each other’s bodies that evening, later on we spontaneously booked a room at the hotel and made love throughout the night.  I had always wanted to stay at this Hilton having discovered it many years ago when I was invited to its lavish launch party where they had the world renowned, “Blue Man Group,” perform.  Fiona suggested that I tried to haggle the exorbitant price of a double room down, which I managed to do successfully as well as getting breakfast thrown in for free.  We stayed and in the morning I made sure to pocket the luxury toiletries, the half bottle of red wine and bottles of Hilton mineral water which were waiting for us in our room on entry!

We indulged in a lovely breakfast together before Fi had to return home, as she had a man coming to fix her hot tub(!) and she was going to be late.  She had earlier lied to him on the phone saying her mother was ill and she had gone to see her.  I scolded her for lying.  But being in a rush and whilst I had gone to the lavatory - she went to check out at reception and to pay her half of the bill, but couldn’t remember my name for my portion of the bill.  All she could remember was my first name and that my second name began with ‘S’ so when I joined her at the reception Fi was blushing profusely in front of the man behind the desk and he was trying to remain professional as he fought to hide his smile for it was obvious what had occurred between us that night.

This was to be the start of the happiest time in my life for 4 years since Maria and I had parted company. It was the start of a marvellous relationship and one where we became very close and very close very quickly and I spent a lot of time at her home and met her elder son and daughter.

At the time she lived in an electronically gated 5 bedroom mansion in the picturesque village of Chislehurst fittingly called, “The Roses.”  This was her home where she shared with her 3 children even though the youngest of the 3 was at boarding school and I was to initially meet the 2 elder children.  It also transpired that on the day we met, Fiona lost her Rolex watch and couldn’t find it and so she had gone out and bought a brand new one at a cost of £6000 – as you do!  It also transpired that Fiona wasn’t joking when she told me she loved champagne and there were always bottles of fizz in her fridge ready to be opened seemingly for any occasion!

Fiona has a very high sex drive like myself and is a fantastic cook (a skill which eludes Modern Day Maria!) and desires to marry either a Spanish millionaire or hopes one day the chef James Martin will notice her.   Yet, surprisingly, this all went down very well with me!  Fi had other talents also which I was to find out throughout the course of the relationship.

When out for dinner and drinks, she shared my love of chicken and annoyingly also my starter or dessert; or she would cook for us with me trying to help, but more than likely being a hindrance.  We would make love aplenty with either a glass of champagne or wine by the bedside and just have a truly fabulous time together.  And when together, her face and body were glowing and indeed people started commenting on how radiant she was looking, which of course I was taking full credit for!

In December, she downsized and moved to Bromley, as she had to sell the mansion as part of the divorce settlement and her new home has a garden so big that it inspired my Xmas article, “A Giraffe is not just for XMAS.”  She gave me great encouragement in writing this article, as I wasn’t planning on writing anything, but sadly she has not yet taken up my advice to buy a giraffe!  Her new home may also spookily be inhabited by a poltergeist who I blame for tripping me and spilling red wine all over the carpet on the stairs, as I rushed to have a glass for her by her bedside before she came home from work one evening!  But poltergeist aside, Fiona is delighted with her new abode and I went about resetting her clocks.

The next few months our ever increasing bond and affection grew deeper for one another, but at times it was an emotional rollercoaster, as she split with me just before Xmas the evening before we were meant to be going away together; meaning we spent the time apart from each other and distressingly in separate hotels 5 minutes away!  She would split from me when things were actually going great, but then as she rightly said, “When is it not fabulous between us?

Sadly, Fi makes snap decisions, which is something I try and advise against doing (see "The Healing Power of Sand" and "The Butterfly Effect") and more often than not, they prove to be wrong.  Partly, I think, due to the problems associated with her destructive marriage and her not used to being happy in a relationship and so at times rebels against that, as not knowing how to deal with it.  And she self-confessedly said she suffers with low self-esteem and is needy, but with me I only saw “Fi” and none of this fazed me and we all have issues.  She diagnosed me as being a narcissist, which funnily enough so did Dr Lord - well 'narcissistic traits' if I remember rightly!  Yet every time we got back together our relationship was stronger and better than before.  Equally so was her shoe collection!

We returned to each other’s arms in mid-January and saw each other for the next 10 days on the trot and it was, “AMAZING.”  She also met some of my friends when I took her to an intimate gig where my friend, the talented singer and songwriter, Jessica Sweetman, was playing; and in late February we attended my sister Camilla’s 39th birthday dinner where they instantly bonded, both agreeing that I was, “very annoying.”  She would regularly comment on how annoying I was – because she said I, “was always right” and to back this up had given me a cup for XMAS labelled, “Mr Always Right” together with a special bar of chocolate labelled ISAAC.

And when not seeing each other, we would be on the phone or text one another multiple times a day, as we love hearing each other’s voice and I love listening to her talk about her day and would try and console her when things were not going well.  Yet in the early days, I would rarely contact her on the day I was coming over, because I was always scared she would cancel me and I so much wanted to see her; I postulated, if I didn’t contact her it lessened the chance of her cancelling!  About 3pm on the day we were meeting I would receive a text from her saying, “You are being very quiet today.”  Clearly Fiona means an awful lot to me and I like to think, me to her also and she says she cares a great deal about me and her actions up until 17th March would say that was true.

At times, we would play pool at the local pub and Fiona is a fantastic pool player and thrashed me - not that I am anything great at pool, but still watching her clear up whilst I had left the black over the pocket was a sight to behold, as was her delightful glee in victory.  I found - just to be able to play pool with one's hot girlfriend, exhilarating.

But throughout the fabulous times there was an undercurrent of vulnerability and my known love for Maria was to take its toll on her.  Plus there were other negative influences – a major one was to do with her teenage son and her reactions to a problem she is not willing to deal with; plus no one it seems in her circle agreed with our relationship, as they saw her getting hurt in the longer term and that it was never going to go anywhere.

Yet the people commenting have serious relationship issues of their own and the fact Fi started to take their advice is a tragedy, as we are so happy when we are together and in my eyes when you are so happy you run with it.  And of course, by being with me it meant she had much less time for them…

Very few relationships are going to last forever and when you find real happiness you grab it, as you rarely know what is round that corner.  Life is very short and we are reminded of that on a daily basis.  Two people can enjoy each other’s company and be very happy together, but it doesn’t have to go anywhere and Fiona had been married twice in any event – yet most people don’t see things in that way.  She said it was not her dream to date someone who is in love with someone else, but I am sure it wasn’t her dream to have 2 failed marriages one of which harmed her severely.  Also relationships fail for a plethora of reasons and one of the fundamental things in any relationship is are the 2 of you genuinely happy together and we are.  I feel strongly what Fiona and I have is rare and even though not my soul mate – it is a very important relationship for both of us. We empower each other and she said to me that it felt she had started a new chapter in her life since we met. [She is also writing a very explicit book of her dating experiences where my chapter, as she says, may need to be a book in its own right.  One of her talents is she is an arousing and engaging writer!]

The undercurrent of vulnerability was to be triggered when I published my Valentine’s Day article, “Sex on Fire.”  This was to hurt Fiona terribly and even though I don’t regret publishing the article per se - I would never want to hurt Fi.  Then the news that Maria herself had actually been in contact with me – something which she (and everyone else bar me) were stunned and never thought was going to happen - did not help matters.  However, I told Maria that I was seeing someone else in my communications with her and I did that to show Fiona just how important she is to me.

Fiona and I came close to splitting that day, but stayed together for my Birthday at the end of February where we spent the weekend in a suite at the Mercure Maidstone Hotel making full use of the 4 poster bed and watching complimentary hard core porn and ticking off 'special activities' on my Birthday ‘sex to do’ wish list!  She had bought me many presents including champagne chocolate truffles and a beautiful blue Polo Ralph Lauren scarf to replace the grey one, which was stolen from me a year ago whilst out clubbing in Camden.  The fact she remembered this was astounding, as I must have told her that early into our relationship. She said I would be impressed and I was.

In between making love and watching porn we met an ex work colleague of hers on my Birthday evening and my friend Ruth (see "True Love at 15000"), before continuing my Birthday celebrations with a fabulous dinner at the Horseshoes in Maidstone where, to our delight, we were given a complimentary bottle of champagne and 25% off the bill.  She also paid for a hot stone massage for us both on the Saturday and gave me swimming lessons, as shockingly I can’t swim (and she is like a torpedo in the water); and I treated her to afternoon tea as a surprise and a thank you for all the love and affection she was showering me with.  We also played table tennis and in a return match on the day we were leaving the hotel, I managed to come back from game point down and match point down to win - overturning her victory the previous day!  Fi was not amused and I sank to my knees similar to how tennis superstar Rafael Nadal celebrates on winning a grand slam, in sheer delight at having beaten her.

We were having outrageous fun together and every-time we were together it was special, but sadly as I write this article today we are no longer seeing each other and I am very, very upset about this.  In fact, up until 1st May, which was her 53rd Birthday, I hadn’t seen her or spoken with her for about 6 weeks, as she decided to end us for good it seems and not take or return my calls or texts.  She cited that no-one thinks this is a healthy relationship and that it is toxic and I should fly to Martinique to see Maria, but I just wish she would stand up against the people who are so against us because happiness is rare and Fi thinks about me just as much as I think of her.

A relationship where both parties are genuinely very happy is a rarity in life, as most manufacture their feelings and relationships (see "Let’s Face the Music and Dance" and "The Lonely Goatherd").  Our relationship may not be forever, but relationships can be stepping stones and if you are going to end it, do so when it is failing and not when it is going brilliantly; you don’t amputate a limb when it is fully functioning – you amputate it when (and if) there is a serious problem!  It was our destiny to be together at this time and why it was so fabulous from the point we met and equally being together has helped us both recover from the damage done in the past.

I totally understand that dating me may be a poisoned chalice because of my deep love for Maria and I won’t walk away from this person.  She is my soul mate and just like in the hit movie Top Gun you are drilled into never leaving your wingman – in relationships you never walk away from someone that is deeply spiritually connected to you and who you are born to be with.  I know if I did that I would regret it for the rest of my life – even if that means I have to be single until that day Maria and I reunite in earnest.  Also one day I may want to have children and I couldn’t have that with Fi, but I may not be able to have children with Maria either and she effectively has a young family of 4 at the moment, which must be ageing her considerably and so it is no wonder she needs to rest in a hammock!  Having children has never been a priority for me so even though a consideration it isn’t a significant factor.

All that said, I miss Fiona from HR deeply and care about her.  She is a truly remarkable and beautiful person even though not as, “wise and clever,” as she may like to think!  (And we did have a 'heated' debate about which way up her mattress protector cover should go on her luxurious Super King Size bed!).  I think of all the terrific times we have spent together, her wonderful pet piranha which I love and had tamed (yes she has a piranha!) and which drools to my touch and must be missing me so much.  I reminisce about all the times we made sensuous love and just holding her hand and watching her infectious smile light up our path in life.  Plus my chest it seems was made for her head and I cherished bringing her tea and toast in the morning to start her day and, as crazy as it sounds, we used to have spelling contests – yes I know how ridiculous, but our relationship was very competitive!

The last time we were together was a compendium of 4 days of wonderful love making, movie seeing, dinner and cooking in mid-March.  I cooked a superb roast chicken with all the trimmings (much better than hers I am sure!) for Sunday lunch whilst she was out having coffee with her closest friend and to say thank you for being in my life.  The following morning we made love, she went to work and that was the last time we were to see and speak to each other until on her Birthday on 1st May where I trekked through woods in the rain to present her with a beautiful bouquet of flowers at work.  Yet despite being warmly embraced and whisking me away to a private room so we could talk, she sadly has decided to not follow up on this and it hurts terribly.

Fi, your kiss is like a beautiful rose… we’re “AMAZING!”

And if there is any moral to this story, I think it is - never lose your Rolex on a first date!

With warmth,

Love Isaac


[Also read Isaac's latest post, "One Last Sleep", 'She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014']

Sex on Fire

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Sex on Fire cropped.jpg

Picture of a couple in a passionate embrace surrounded by flames. Pic by Amarell07

Synopsis: Making you Shine for Valentine's Day; an emotional aphrodisiac and Isaac's steamiest article yet...

...Valentine’s Day can be very challenging for relationships especially if it is a relatively new relationship and you are only just finding your feet.  What do you do for your partner of the day?  Do you send him/her a card, a card and flowers or chocolates, go for dinner, go away for a steamy romantic break somewhere, share a candlelit bath together, cook a romantic meal – a combination or do nothing?  There is no easy answer to this and it can put a strain on a relationship, plus there may be fiscal constraints and or you may have other responsibilities which limit in what you can do.  Personally – and I speak from experience – doing nothing is not the option I would select.  Showing someone how you truly feel and that you care about them is an important part of a successful relationship, as is a healthy sex life, which acts as confirmation to the words and feelings.

In my first Valentine’s Day spent with angelic Modern Day Maria in 2008, which was 4 months into our special relationship (see "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?") - I unbelievably didn’t give her anything.  The reason behind this follows and I was mortified when she pulled out from under her bed that evening the present I cherish to this day.  A present which I have mentioned before (see my previous Valentine's Day article, "The Lonely Goatherd"); a card which on the front said, “RED HOT LOVER,” and inside she had covered it with her scintillating kisses in scarlet lipstick.  I felt as small as an ant that was about to be squished and had to look her embarrassingly in her longing dark eyes and say “I didn’t get you anything.” She said it was “ok,” but it wasn’t and it wasn’t ok to me in any event.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to give her anything – I wanted to do so much to show her how I really felt about her and how incredible it was just being with her, but I was frightened to do so because I thought it may result in the end of our relationship.

Shortly before Valentine’s Day we were lying in bed together.  It was early Sunday morning and my naked body was wrapped tightly around hers after a magical night of love-making and I was gently nibbling her right ear; I remember it well and I am sure - when she reads this from a heart-breaking 4000 miles away in her seemingly new abode in the Caribbean island of Martinique - she will too (please come home!).

I decided I was going to pluck up the courage and tell her how I felt even though a voice in my head told me not to do this because it would be difficult for her to know how to respond (now believed to be my guiding Angels and not that I was actually going crazy – see "I Believe in Angels" and "The Healing Power of Sand").  I remember I was very nervous about telling her and continually sensed her emotions and body language until I briefly deviated from paying attention to her lovely ear, took a deep breath and said to her, “I think I am beginning to have feelings for you.

Maria literally froze;  fear sent shivers running down her spine before exploring the rest of her naked body and then - as a sprinter on her marks - she bolted upright, ready get out of her wrinkled warm bed into the February dewy chill and run the 100m; similar to how philosopher Friedrich(!) Nietsche ran naked through the streets shouting gibberish she may have been about to do the same.  In fact, she started to utter complete gibberish about how we should maybe cool it, start seeing each other less etc., before calming down and falling back into my caressing body.  I knew before I had revealed my inner most feelings that she was going to find this difficult, but didn’t realise she would be so frightened.  Nevertheless, I felt it was very important she knew how much I cared for her (see "The Naked Countess - Interview Exclusive").

As Valentine’s Day approached, I was torn.  I wanted to do something beautiful for her, but was afraid to show my feelings in case she panicked again so I decided to do nothing.  To not give her anything – not even a card.  Not realising that she was about to send me into confusion with her dramatic show of feelings with her enchanting gift.

Despite this lack of reciprocity on the gift side we consummated our first Valentine’s night together with incredible passion and multiple times love-making.   From the moment we met in Oct 07, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and generally within minutes of seeing each other we were kissing, touching and hastily removing each other’s’ clothes; making good geometric use of her apartment and Roche Bobois designed modular Mah Jong sofa; our passion never tired.  I am sure she’d consider us the proverbial, ‘rabbits.’

We enjoyed every moment of being together and she always spoke of how special it is between us.   The following Valentine’s Day, I was to try and make up for my complete stupidity with a compendium of heartfelt and loving presents and she responded gleefully, saying she was being, “spoilt.

It should go without saying – it is important to convey your feelings to your partner on a regular basis and not just one day a year, communicating openly and honestly.  Something, which devastatingly, Maria and I fell down on until it was too late and which ultimately brought an end to the magical relationship and then almost my life!   We never discussed our true feelings after that day even though we gave each other gifts that oozed love and affection.   I attempted to do so after she ended it on impulse in autumn 2009 and once I realised that without her I am living in complete darkness (see "Naked Fishes"), but she has never been able to discuss this openly with me.  At the time it was probably because she wasn’t ready for this and by me trying to talk about it/us - I think I pushed her away until a switch in her head clicked that said, “don’t go back with Isaac.”

Trying to disable this switch is proving incredibly hard and my monumental efforts seemingly fall on deaf ears despite her having very good hearing!  As she hasn’t picked up the phone to talk with me - the negative, out of character and ill-judged decisions she made at the time, which distressingly were to ultimately endanger my life (see "Suicide Blonde" and "The Bobby Ewing Shuffle") have put her on a path, which has upsettingly and unsettlingly, seen her move 4000 miles away from her close family and me to live in the Caribbean; without a sorry for all the deep pain and heartache or a Judith Chalmers, “Wish You Were Here” postcard or text (see "The Butterfly Effect...").

There is no question this is a crushing decision and likely not just for me, as she in the process splits up from her tight family unit and support network; I am sure she is missing her family intensely and just as equally - they must be missing their captivating, fun, intelligent, mesmerising loved one.  I speculate that it may be a poisoned chalice to be where she is now and I can only wish – should this be the case - she realises this quickly and returns home.  A sacrifice of this magnitude always has consequences, which, in addition, to the tears of sadness on all sides, sadly may prove highly destructive and self-destructive in the longer term.  As she forgivingly said to me when I made an enormous mistake in the relationship and unthinkably hurt her, “we all make mistakes;” and it is having the courage to stop those mistakes in its tracks once realised and reverse decisions that is incredibly important before real (and sometimes irreversible) harm is done, depending on the gravity of the mistake.  We all hurt by this decision.  Family is so important and my sisters were instrumental in fighting for my life when I was at the point of no return (see "Staying Alive").

I doubt the fabled ‘paradise’ is a destination except within our hearts.  Not a place with pure sandy beaches, idyllic scenery and weather, but being intertwined on every level with the person who you truly and have always loved.  Your one and only electric kisser and two-stepping dancing partner of past, present and future (see "Let’s Face the Music and Dance") and once with them – the sun is always shining regardless of the external climate.  But who knows - maybe Martinique will be my next holiday destination!  After all - my heritage is the Caribbean so maybe it’s time I finally visited my roots!

Being open with your feelings to your partner/ lover - even if it is difficult due to the past and expressing your love and affection for one another should be a regular thing.  It also opens things up for discussion and means any mistakes, problems or incorrect assumptions can be corrected immediately without any damage being done to the relationship.

Equally, having a healthy sex life is an imperative for a healthy relationship.  As already stated, spirited Modern Day Maria and I enjoyed a very healthy, active and vibrant sex life.  Being sexually compatible with your partner is very important, but it seems that in today’s world of striving to work hard, social media and even the game candy crush – have a detrimental impact on people’s sex lives.  It was with surprise I was to read an article recently, which stated that the national average of couples having sex in the UK was only 4.9 times per month! (

Personally, I would have a grave problem if my partner of the day said to me, “Sorry honey, can’t come to bed just yet – playing Candy Crush!”  I don’t think they would be my partner for very long!  And honestly, these seem excuses for what maybe a tired relationship where the initial passion has gone and you are just going through the motions.   If that is the case then maybe you shouldn’t be with that person anymore; relationships can just be stepping stones for something more fulfilling further down the line or a much needed companionship, which helps support you both at a very important time in your lives or casual fun etc.

But regardless, sex plays a very important role and if you are planning on staying together and are not having sex (or not having it as often as you would like), then you need to make the time to reignite the passion otherwise it will only breed stress and tension and bring the relationship closer to finale.  If you are not being touched, kissed, erotically fondled, having your clothes metaphorically (or indeed literally) torn off, made to feel wanted etc – you feel unloved and alone even if your partner is lying right next to you.

About 9 years ago, I was in a relationship like that and it was very stressful.  I would make excuses so as not to come to bed because I was very frustrated at lying next to her and not being able to touch her or make love to her.  I also have a strict no clothes policy in bed and she never went to bed naked!   That relationship ended after 5 months even though we stayed close friends for years later, but unhappily that friendship came to end the day Maria ended our nightmare in May 2011.

I am pretty high maintenance when it comes to sex and what is my fetish is not necessarily yours, but you do need to be sexually compatible with the person you are seeing.  And if you or your partner are lacking in intimacy – remind yourselves that sex brings lots of health benefits as well as bringing you/ keeping you closer together.

Darling, I have a headache,” should be a voice of the past and definitely not a reason not to have sex! In fact, sex is actually great at getting rid of a headache.  It is true!  Having an orgasm releases endorphins that closely resemble morphine and so acts as a pain reliever.  This will work regardless whether you have a headache, toothache, backache etc (source:  For a similar reason, regular intimacy also boosts the immune systems, which helps fight off coughs and colds and can also prevent depression or reduce its symptoms.  I can’t remember Modern Day Maria and I being ill during the time we dated except after her Okra dish kissmarkX.

Sex is also a fabulous stress reliever, at lowering blood pressure and helping keep your heart healthy.  You will receive comments from friends, family and passers-by about how radiant and HOT you are looking, as you unwittingly glow to the outside world and look 10 years younger.  Regular wonderful sex makes you feel great, boosting self-esteem and happiness levels and sex first thing in the morning (which I absolutely adore – even though I am not going to quibble regardless of time) sets your mood for the day.  Orgasms cause a surge in the hormones oxytocin and prolactin, which calms you down, aids in relaxation and having a good night’s sleep, which again is important for preventing/ relieving stress and ailments (source: and ).  Also by lowering your stress and tension levels and being happier and more confident, you are able to think more clearly, which enhances your decision making process leading to more positivity in your life.

Bring him/her tea and toast in bed in the morning, as another sign of your appreciation for your partner (making sure not to get crumbs in bed!) and then make love.  A fabulous, gorgeous, ‘very wise and clever’ girlfriend of mine who oozes sex appeal says, ‘tea followed by sex does it for her in the morning.’  Experiment with positions and fetishes; wear sexy clothing, incorporate food and maybe even an ice cube whilst indulging in oral sex.  Give your partner sensuous massages (take turns).  Have sex in risqué places… Watch porn together.  Basically anything that you think will spice up the relationship to get you both interested in each other’s bodies again.   Tie them up (consensually), or use a blind fold to enhance the erotic mood and sensations (Modern Day Maria gave me a kinky pink blindfold as a present!).

Further, great sex is fab for burning off calories and keeping in shape.  Even though estimates vary, if you put enough effort into your passion sessions you could burn 3-5 calories per minute of intercourse (men and women) so if you can last 10 minutes and do that 5 times a day then you have just roughly burnt off the equivalent of a Mars bar or a 20 minute run!

And given that work seems to be sapping people’s energy for bedroom liaisons (even though, of course, make use of other rooms in the home too!) - maybe employers could consider giving workers a paid half day off each week so that they can spend intimate time with their partners or even have conjugal visits at work!  It will illustrate they care about their workers and the employee will be much less stressed and happier and hopefully as a result - more productive.  Maybe trial it employers!  Show your foresight!  A sexually active worker is a happy worker…

In a region in Russia, they have a day off a year just for sex to help with the birth rate and have been doing this since 2006 apparently.  Clearly a step in the right direction, but one day off a year is simply not enough.  If you have a half day off a week you can spend sensual quality time together with your partner before going to work or maybe return early and spend the afternoon and evening together, relaxing erotically in a sumptuous warm bath before ravaging each other on a bed of roses (roses optional) or the kitchen worktop.  If your employer is especially generous, you can take the months half days at once and knowing this is paid time means you have no stress about making up your earnings.  This should help spur more intimate moments during the week, boost your relationship, health and happiness and the more you have sex, generally the more you want it.

So what are you all waiting for?  Finish reading this and then get jiggy this Valentine’s Day weekend (except for you, beautiful Modern Day Maria!).

My love and support is always here for you and your family x.



[Also read Isaac's latest posts, "One Last Sleep", 'She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014;' and "A Kiss from a Rose", 'A Champagne and Rolex Affair...']

Giraffe with Family.jpgA Happy Family with their loving giraffe at breakfast x. Picture copyright Caters News Agency.

Synopsis: A clue is in the Title...

...Following on from last year’s Xmas and New Years’ article, “Scream and Shout,” where I retold of my childhood lust and tantrums for a coveted Xmas present and then only to realise that just because it may be the new thing on the block, you may (as my experience shows) get bored of it in due course and chuck it into the wasteland of Christmas Gift Past. For, just like relationships, if there is no true depth and substance – your love for the superficial will ultimately void.

However, unlike last year, I have managed to send my one Xmas wish to the real Santa and so now I just have to sit back and wait for delivery of this precious gift; I am pretty sure I've been good enough to warrant it so fingers crossed it is on its way – at least in time for Xmas 2014!  In the meantime, I take time to consider another love of so many and that is their animal companions.  Of course the phrase, "A dog is not just for Xmas," is very true, but what happens if we think wider than just a puppy or domestic cat?  Many children will be asking Santa for a cute puppy or a kitten for Xmas (which of course the parents will end up having to look after!), in addition, to their shiny new PS4.  Some may even be into more exotic animals such as snakes (errr!) or piranha’s, but I doubt many would have considered the prospect of having a giraffe (Giraffa camelopardalis) for a companion?

I acknowledge that it could prove a “tall order” for Santa, as his eco friendly blue hatchback really isn’t suitable for couriering the highest mammal in the world and trying to get even a baby one down the chimney (or even through the front door) will be problematic.

However, if we look beyond the initial hurdles and examine the wider picture, I am sure you will agree that having a beautiful, elegant giraffe greet you in morning with a gentle nudge and lick, as its head slopes in through the upstairs bedroom window can only be described as a magical experience.

They are such graceful creatures who will stay with you for ‘life’ (an adult giraffe can be expected to live 15 years in the wild and 25 years in a zoo); and they are very easy to get on with and loving to all the family with a huge heart that is 2ft long!

They are also excellent at looking out for predators (for obvious reasons) and if you train them wisely they will be a valued member of your local neighbourhood watch.  In a chat with Colchester Zoo in preparation for this article (, they said they can easily be distracted, as if they see something in the distance they are off to check it out, but in my eyes this further adds to their crime fighting appeal.  After all, which burglar would want to try and gain unlawful entry into a home where it is being spied by an 18ft tall giraffe which is just itching to gallop over and send them packing and their hooves pack a kick where even the most ardent of aggressors will be neutralised. No intruder would be able to enter or escape unseen, as their watchful heads tower over all but the grandest of family homes and if you live with many trees around and enough living space I am sure they would thrive and become a much loved part of the community.  And whereas other animal guardians sleep for hours - a giraffe sleeps for only 20 minutes in the wild per DAY!

Now, admittedly, just like a pet isn’t for everyone, a giraffe equally isn’t for everyone, but they are such majestic creatures and admittedly very tall creatures, that if you have the space in your back garden then I think it would be a shame to give this chic animal an oversight; and how heart-warming it will be to return home to your giraffe after a stressful day, whose playful nature will brighten you up in no time.

Generally, a giraffe will grow to around 18-19ft tall and there are several types of giraffe such as the Rothschild and Thornicroft, but the Reticulated giraffe comes in around a mere 15ft tall fully adult and eats approximately 35kg of pellets, carrots, hay, twigs or leaves a day (willow tree or hawthorn are their favourites) .  Their natural habitat is, of course, in hotter climates such as Kenya, but they are adaptable and if in a cold climate you will need a heated enclosure for them, but what better time spent than to bond with them in the heated triple story shed on a cold winters’ day with a can of beer and a bale of hay and a wheelbarrow brimming with carrots?

A giraffe really is a person’s best friend and if looked after and nurtured will be a trusted companion for years to come.  You will be the talk of the town and all the neighbours will want one.  Plus, should it accidentally escape, it is easily recognisable as its plush skin pattern is unique to that particular giraffe – just like a fingerprint.

So get down to your local zoo and enquire about how you can acquire one of these endearing animals and have a fabulous Xmas, one and all.


NB. Colchester Zoo in no way endorse or approve this article!

[Also read Isaac's latest posts, "One Last Sleep", 'She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014;' "A Kiss from a Rose", 'A Champagne and Rolex Affair...;'  and, "Sex on Fire", 'Making you Shine' for Valentine's Day; an emotional aphrodisiac and Isaac's steamiest article yet...']

bobby ewing shower with me.jpgArtist impression of Modern Day Maria finding Isaac in her shower in the Bobby Ewing Shuffle. (Original pic is of Bobby Ewing, Dallas, 1986).

Synopsis: The follow up to “True Love at 15000,” an article stirred with beautiful love, showers, dreams and Dallas x...

...It has been 5 months since I published my last article. Apart from not knowing what else to say, I think I lost confidence after penning, “True Love at 15000,” which makes me laugh every-time I read it and helps cheer me up; compensating in part from the embedded daily heartache and emptiness of sadly (at the moment) not being physically with my beautiful 100% soul mate, Modern Day Maria.

It pains me to let you all know that, as yet, Maria hasn’t had the gumption bottle to pick up her phone to tell me, “Isaac, tu es un parfait imbécile,” and that is a tragedy readers – for both of us.

I naturally hoped she would have told me what an idiot I am so we could get the healing process kicking - to deal with the deep, immensely powerful emotions we both share and ignite my dancing in the living room celebrations once again before I race over to hers; embracing her a 1000 times as I visually rehearse ahead of my doorstep arrival, for when she casually swings the door open to welcome me with a mischievous smile that would put Alice in Wonderland’s fabled Cheshire Cat out of business.

By not being able to heal the deep trauma that lies within I have had some dark emotional days, as anniversaries of devastating triggers in May and June took hold (see "Staying Alive"), but generally speaking I am well, regaining my physical fitness after my whiplash injuries (see "Wacky Races") and would like to hear from her - how she really is? - and miss her intensely.

Just hearing her sexy, softly spoken, French accent is a ‘Wonder of the World’ we live in and no doubt will be highlighted in Wikipedia at some point in the future. The vivid memories of being with her flood my mind, body and spirit every day and drift slowly through my subconscious at night;  Waking with her arms draped around me, leg raising kisses, having breakfast lovingly together, washing up before I would leave hers whilst she’s busy at work so as to give her joy with a spick and span kitchen on her return, giving her a full body sensual massage treat or teasing her about her cooking (which apart from her delish Mexican Soup, is "to die for" and I mean literally – that said I am hardly one to speak on that front, but I do some very good roasts) - are all time for ecstatic reflection, as is hearing of her projects at work, our beautiful, sensuous love-making and the caressing of her hot, delicate naked oiled body with mine heart04x.

I am sure when we do finally start speaking and seeing each other again (fingers and toes crossed), it will be as if we never separated and the horrors that were to befall our relationship and wonderful friendship are a very bad dream and simply a blip on our shared life horizon.  As if the scariest episode in our lives (see "Suicide Blonde" and "I Believe in Angels") was a play on the “Bobby Ewing Shuffle” where - just as how Pamela Ewing (Victoria Principal) awoke to find her True soul mate Bobby (Patrick Duffy) in the shower (after apparently being dead for a whole season, yet it was a dream); and the very handsome, much loved, honest, kind and trustworthy Bobby was ‘reborn’ into the feisty world of oil tycoons and despicable shenanigans in Dallas - so maybe Maria will awake to find me in her shower rain.  And Dallas is a good analogy, as to be able to afford one of manageress Maria’s projects you really need to be an oil tycoon or of the ilk.  By day she sells exquisite home furnishings, such as a luxury leather sofa with electrically operated multi position backrests and an integrated USB port so you can charge your IPhone without ever having to get up - a dream come true for those who fiddle with their mobiles 24/7 and happen to own an oilfield and or a ranch in Southfork (I’ve been browsing the catalogue for inspiration!) x.

But alas, despite all channels of communication being open (including postcards!), this blog's heroine is silently observing and contemplating her actions and thoughts.  I would have considered the nervousness and anxiety of her making contact now and talking openly with me (see "The Healing Power of Sand") is much lessened due to my remarkable efforts, courage, openness, loyalty and resourcefulness publicly (and privately) and even though she may think she’ll have to answer some pretty tough interrogational style questioning posed by me – such as, Why did you go mental?”  The reality is Maria has nothing to fear except the Bobby Ewing Shuffle will most likely reunite us ‘till death do us part,’ as we have been in centuries past and that thought, understandably, may initially be a bit daunting.

I shall be ‘scolding’ her though - advising she should have known better. How she should have listened to my rationale, creative and logical influences.  How she should have heard my impassioned pleas and felt the true beats of our alwaysin unison” hearts…  How she should have understood the beauty of why it is always great between us since her breath-taking introductory email back in Oct 2007 (see "The Lonely Goatherd"), before breaking it off on a crazy whim and then subsequently committing hari-kari scorpiusx.  During her reprimand I shall seek redemption (should she not invite me first), “Ok, so can I come over? “ And, “Hey Presto,” as if by the swishing of her magic wand (don’t ask!), our journey elevates into Never Never Land where our shared childhood dreams flourish cherryblossom and we never grow old(er) (see "Naked Fishes").

I referred to the power of dreams as guidance for the future in my last article and I do so in this article, as another penetrating preview shows us conversing and dating again (except this time without us calling each other 'idiots' x) and seeming so real that I could almost reach out and touch her; and I wonder whether she is sleeping on similar experiences?

Today is two years since I launched (see my "Welcome" post and "A Journey Becomes One") in what has clearly grown into an audacious and unprecedented bid to communicate with her, placate the damage that was done and free her heart of its troubled past in order to win it forever (see "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?"). Despite the 5 month hiatus our blog is set to surpass 200k visitors and 500k page views for 2013 and in April it briefly skipped into the top 10k websites in the UK for traffic, as Modern Day Maria becomes pretty famous indeed.  Alas, neither these accomplishments nor the content were suitable to win nomination for Cosmopolitan’s 2013 Blog Awards, but I am grateful to all who took the time to nominate this blog.  Maybe Modern Day Maria herself will start penning for it - sharing her visions, creativity, unique skills and talents, intriguing (if at times nonsensical and dangerous) thoughts and her philosophy on life - providing balance and no doubt sending traffic soaring into the stratosphere, as her gorgeousness and real life magic blows us all away.

Take a deep breath, swallow your pride (see "Let’s Face the Music and Dance") and get in touch Maria… before you find me naked in your shower :-) xxx.

Have a happy day all and Happy 2nd Birthday to cake.



[Also read Isaac's latest posts, "One Last Sleep", 'She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014;' "A Kiss from a Rose", 'A Champagne and Rolex Affair...;' "Sex on Fire", 'Making you Shine for Valentine's Day; an emotional aphrodisiac and Isaac's steamiest article yet...;' and, "A Giraffe is not just for Xmas" ]

two penguins in love cropped.jpgPicture of True Love Birds in perfect harmony :-)x; with permission (c) Paul Ward,

Synopsis: The follow up to, "The Lonely Goatherd," Isaac's Valentine's' Day article last year; an insightful look at relationships and the lessons to be learned from our elders...

...In my Valentine’s Day Special last year, “The Lonely Goatherd,” I spoke of my wonderful affection for beautiful Modern Day Maria and how the simplest of things can be the most precious of things.  I also explored some of the ways in which the singletons among us can project our amorous vibes to ensnare our dancing partner of the past, present and future; your Happy Feet foot seducer who courted with the Estampie in the Middle Ages, The Waltz in Regency times, Two-Stepping hand-in-hand and being ever so careful not to tread on each other’s toes in the early 20th Century and Dirty Dancing to today’s Hip Hop and Gangnam style beat.

Their gentle ways, which take your heart to a galloping frenzy with tingles running amok, as their caress ignites shivers flowing through the spine; breathing rhythmically deep and shallow and orgasms explore mind and body and penetrates your twinned souls.

That one person whose very wisdom and wonderful words create a sonnet of beauty and inspiration that leave us brimming with adrenaline pumped anticipation, as if we were hardwired to a defibrillator. The person you dream of as a child to come and rescue you and then meet them one Friday evening 30 years later seemingly by chance (or via a risqué dating ad!), but in reality by design and becomes the one who sets you alight like a forest fire on a cold winter’s day.

This is the dream that I am sure most would like to believe in... And in my previous Valentine’s article I recanted the beautiful story of the handsome Goatherd who yodelled and danced his way into his dainty, blonde pig-tailed, soul mates heart.

But it isn’t just us humans who can sing and dance our way into the hearts of our one True Love. The Goatherds’ goats would dance and sing in tune with their master, whilst in springtime the skies are filled with the joyous notes of birds tweeting for their loved one and Adelie and Emperor Penguins sing for their one True mate in time with the Mumble shuffle.  It is as if their special cries are encrypted, which can only be decoded by their lifetime Happy Feet partner – the penguin whom they have fished together in the icy cold waters of the Antarctic for centuries past piscesx. 

And today may pull at many a heartstring in the realisation this is what Life should be all about.   Not materialistic things, money or status but depth of being and ultimate Joy and Love with your one True Soul Mate from which all possibilities flows; where their simply spoken “Hi” makes the day picture perfect, such that only a Master as Picasso could possibly capture the full illumination that rejoices within your conjoined beings.

I am fortunate that I always felt (knew) from when I was a child - that one day I would meet this most stunning, warm-hearted and courageous of women, Maria, as I have characterised her on this blog after the magical Julie Andrews’ Maria from the Sound of Music (see "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?"), and that she would change my life forever - and indeed she has definitely done that!  She has taught me many things and showed me who I am in this world and why I exist (see "Naked Fishes").  Then the Sarayiah parable goes, we build a new and very special life together, breeding magic in Happy Feet tapping, twirling bliss… Similar to how the two David’s, Copperfield and Blaine, cast beauty and mystique over their craft or how Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers set the world alive with their poetry in motion, so will we with our own brand of magic and touch souls and bring Hope, Love and Happiness to the lives of many in this world.

However, Life of course is never that simple and readers will also know of the terrible plight that was to befall our relationship and which has yet to be righted – even though I am making a stand of grandiose proportions to help us bring this about. Life is too short and every-day the world drums that into our conscience (see "Scream and Shout" or look out the window!) and if two people can be ‘beyond belief’ happy in every conscionable way, then regardless of the mistake of the past - as long as the foundations are solid – and with us they are supported by rare titanium beams and laughter inducing orgasmic love-making heart02, then the possibilities are only limited by the extent of our combined imaginations. Just like building a house - if built on shaky ground a collapse is inevitable, but if the foundations are of high quality, the house will last the test of time and indeed can be rebuilt stronger and grander than before should a tornado or earthquake shatter its outer shell.

Alas, many people build their houses on dead or unstable ground with the inevitable consequences of crushed relationships and marriages (see "The Naked Countess - Interview Exclusive").

As I sourced inspiration for this article whilst indulging on sticky toffee pudding and vanilla ice cream at the Country Style pub, “The Old Bull and Bush” in Hampstead, NW London, UK last week, I was ambushed by pensioners belonging to the NWJS – the “North West Jewish Singles” - a dating club for those over 60 and who… are Jewish!  Sadrine, the organiser, a slim blonde sporting a rather fetish leopard skin dress, insisted they sit with me on the table I had monopolised with my laptop and Hilfiger yellow and blue reversible jacket.  It was to be a small turnout this week allegedly for their group and despite not being as old as the wonderful Maria - who is a mindboggling 15441 days young today - I fitted in well with my elders.

Amongst this insightful dating group was Tony, a moustached pensioner still teaching French and Spanish and who loves to tell jokes (and as I was to find out - most of them not very funny!); and joining later on in the evening was Geoff, seemingly the eldest of the present members (apologies if that was not the case Geoff!), and a remarkable man who used to be in the Royal Air-force (RAF), is a pilot (where until recently had his own plane), as well as a retired Doctor.

Apart from Sadrine, there were to be no other female members of the group that evening joining ‘my’ table, but the few members of the NWJS who had braved the intermittent hailstorms that day all had a story to tell and I listened intently, as we can all learn from the wisdom and life experiences of our elders.

There was one clear common denominator in their life stories and that being they were all alone and empty inside; heartbroken from previous failed relationships. They had been married at least once (twice being the mean) and failed to understand how I had managed to stay clear of marriage at my age!, they all seemingly had money, a nice home etc., but I postulated they would give all of that up and go and live in a caravan if needs be, just to be with their one pure love, to be Truly Happy and at Peace within. They were all struggling to come to terms with life alone and living with the pain and the mistakes of the past.

Tony was clearly still in love with his ex-wife of his second marriage and I felt his anguish when he spoke of her. They had been married for ten years, but in truth the marriage ended probably 6 years into that 10, with the rest being a slow train crash.  It started off great he tells me and their love-making was wonderful, but over time they took each other for granted and communication of their feelings etc. fell by the wayside and sex became fantasy only.

The trigger for the end of their marriage came when Tony’s ex-wife discovered something in his past which he had not shared with her and which event had occurred a couple of years before they met. He says it didn’t affect their relationship or marriage per se, but because he had not disclosed it she felt she could no longer trust him – even though she knew his very essence - and of course if you have no trust then there is no relationship.  The foundations for any relationship built on a lack of trust are non-existent.

Their marriage ended about 3 years back now and I quizzed Tony in-depth on his relationship and about this. He had never lied about it – whether he had lied on other things I don’t know (or whether she had ever lied to him), but on this he assured me he hadn’t – he just hadn’t disclosed it.  Today they were still in contact and she had sent him a card for his recent Birthday, but hadn’t spoken for a while and I urged Tony to pick up the phone and call her, to ask her out and tell her how he really felt.

What Tony had described, was to me – not really a trust issue, but because there were so many other things failing in their marriage it was convenient to have it as a trigger to end it. They had committed what many couples do and take the other for granted and not talk openly about their feelings, as the fizzle gradually dies – a story, which is repeated all over the country and in continents across the world.

However, Tony’s pride and fear of being rejected again by the person whom he has very deep feelings for, despite their turmoil in the past, has stopped him from making this step.  In his words, she had, “dumped him.”  My advice - and this is my advice to all who are in similar positions and not with the person who is constantly on their mind and embedded deeply in their hearts, but afraid to take that step in making contact for whatever reason – is to stuff pride and pick up that phone and make the call (unless there is a court order preventing you!). Sure it may be emotionally difficult to do, especially if some time has passed since you last spoke and depending on the circumstances, but the stomach churning anxiety will be worth it.  Pride has no place in True Happiness and fears must be confronted to feel FREE and ALIVE!

In Tony’s case, if she said “no” – then at least he would “know” rather than driving himself crazy with his thoughts, even though I also suggested that even if her initial reaction was to say “no” it may not be definitive, as she would ponder, reflect and could, as the proverb goes, change her mind.

If what there was between them was True then there is no reason why it couldn’t be great again and this time round both would be wiser. Importantly, she would at least know how he felt and he wouldn’t be thinking, “what if…” torturously for the remainder of his life. And the same goes for everyone else.

Sometimes Life gifts us a second chance and it is imperative we realise that at the time.  No-one wants to look back on their life in 30 to 40 years’ time, all alone and empty inside with 2 (or more) failed marriages or long relationships and deeply regretting not making that call due to fear or pride etc. – a call which could be life-changing! And sure, that prospect can be scary, but isn’t it better to grasp it with both hands, than look back on your life years down the line in remorse and wretchedness, as by then it will be too late…

None of us are perfect – each, as intuitive Maria says, with our own, “little defect,” and at times we may over-react and lose our way and lose our heads, but that is Life’s way of testing us and why you can and should never take others for granted and must take real and visible steps to transmit your feelings and Heal the painful events that may have past (see "The Healing Power of Sand" and "Suicide Blonde"). Equally, no-one has the right to be with anyone – it should be considered a mutual privilege (see "I Believe in Angels").  I don’t have the right to be in a relationship with Maria and her nor me, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t right!  Our essence and who we are to each other, is that it would certainly be a breath-taking journey of discovery and spiritual enlightenment should she be able to overcome her fears.

It is important when so much is at stake to be True to your feelings, wishes and dreams.  Take a deep breath and pick up that phone, yodel and or tap dance your way into your would-be True lover’s heart and Maria, if you can’t dance, I will lovingly teach you heart04x.

My heart always,

Kisses in red lipstick (yes, really!)



[Also read Isaac's latest posts, "One Last Sleep", 'She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014;' "A Kiss from a Rose", 'A Champagne and Rolex Affair...;' "Sex on Fire", 'Making you Shine for Valentine's Day; an emotional aphrodisiac and Isaac's steamiest article yet...;' "A Giraffe is not just for Xmas"; "The Bobby Ewing Shuffle", 'The follow up to “True Love at 15000,” an article stirred with beautiful love, showers, dreams and Dallas x... "True Love at 15000", is an article about 'coming of age,' wisdom, dreams and, of course, True Love...']

Scream and Shout

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The Real Santa Claus Edited & cropped with watermark, 281212.jpgPicture of the Real Santa Claus spreading Xmas Joy in West Hampstead, London, UK © Isaac Sarayiah

Synopsis: Isaac explores Love at Xmas Time...

...As the dust settles on Christmas for another year and we move into 2013, there will have been both children and adults alike jumping frenetically, some in joy and ‘happiness,’ as Santa mystically realises their wishes; and some in despair, throwing tantrums, screaming and shouting (ie the rest of us) whose dreams were shattered yet again at the hands of ‘Bad’ Santa.

Naturally, my wish (fetish) was to come downstairs on Christmas morning to ‘discover’ luscious Modern Day Maria ‘magically’ handcuffed to the glistening tree naked, apart from sporting a delightful tiara of mistletoe, a card by Soap & Glory wishing me “Happy Holidays! xx” and a shiny red ribbon round her sexy svelte midriff in the tantalising form of a bow for me to unravel (see "Naked Fishes"), and as I have an artificial tree those pesky pine needles would not have caused her nuisance in delicate places!  Alas, I suppose it didn’t help that I actually failed to erect a tree at all this year, having been to the garage to discover our 17 year old 6ft artificial offering covered with cobwebs and a plethora of ensnared bugs so decided to give it a miss!; and also expecting the world to end on 21st Dec (those Mayans, what a bunch of jokers!), I equally failed to send off my fetish list to Santa’s headquarters in Lapland, Finland.

Just like there is only one True Soul Mate and hence only one True Love in any lifetime - and when you brush souls with that person it is akin to having known them all your life even though you may have only just met them, (but of course in reality you have been together beyond lifetimes) – there is equally only one True Santa and I was fortunate to track him down.

Due to the new era of austerity, the real Santa (beware of imitations) has ditched his customary sleigh and antlered entourage for a savvy blue hatchback with eco mode and due to global warming/ cooling* (delete as desired), he is now at liberty to spend time in more places around the world with London one of his favourite destinations due to its climate beginning to match that of his main home in the Arctic Circle… Contrary to popular belief, Santa does not live at the North Pole!

And on this day, Santa was in full preparation for his 23 hours, 59 minutes and 59 seconds blitzkrieg of delivering presents to each and every household in the world.  He wouldn’t tell me his secret, but he did say he no longer shimmies down chimneys, as due to Health and Safety that has become impossible and he couldn’t find insurance. This will explain why some of you with no chimneys still find presents under the sparkling tree on Christmas morning… Another mystery solved by! x

But he did say that like relationships, many of you who are jumping for joy this Christmas at receiving the present you wished for will soon be bored of it and want to dump it in the wasteland of Christmas gifts past.  He, quite wisely, points out that most relationships are entered into for all the wrong reasons heart03, where what seems great on the surface – is just manufactured belief razzle dazzle and not real – just as many Christmas presents are sought after for all their electronic wizardry and hype, but if there is no substance and foundation to them then the novelty factor and charm will quickly fade and get tossed aside.

I experienced this first hand when I was about 11 (exact age could not be confirmed). I had pleaded, sulked weep and complied with every trick in the child’s unwritten handbook of how to snare that ‘important’ gift; including even taking the rare step to promise my late father, Harry, who died when I was 18, that I would allow my 2 younger sisters, Pamela and Camilla, to play with it as well.  This was a gift I had coveted for the past few years, but it was an expensive present and we were not a well off family so to get it I had to overcome the normal objections and go ‘extreme.’  I think promising not to want a Birthday present the following X amount of years too was also thrown into the mix, but I am sure (given my slyness) that I would have had one’s fingers crossed behinds one’s back when I made such an undertaking, just as I am sure I did when I promised to allow my sisters playtime with it as well…

This elusive gift, (but seemingly not as elusive as my beloved Maria who I fear may have morphed into a full-time Human Ostrich after reading "The Healing Power of Sand"!), was of course the video games system of the decade at that time – the Atari 2600 Video Computer System...  The Atari Video Computer System sold in its millions around the world and paved the way for Nintendo, Sony and Microsoft to invade our homes with such gusto later on.  The time would have been around the early to mid-eighties when 'large statement mirrors made their way into hallways' kissmarkx and the infamous glitter ball hung from ceilings; and my fancy cost around £120 I think with games an extravagant £40 a pop, which even today (by my standards anyway), is a pricey gift.  This year though Santa was to reward me with my gift of choice – I presume I must have done some good in the 12 months - and true to my word, after my sisters had bowed down in front of me and bestowed their total allegiance to my masterful rule, they were allowed to play.

It shipped with legendary game Pacman and my sister Pamela says Asteroids as well – even though, having turned 40, I can’t remember that far back these days (see "A Celebration of Life").  However, just as with relationships which have no depth and substance, after playing for a couple of months we got bored and balking at the cost of purchasing new games, we decided to pass it on to pastures new and sold it.  Years of manipulative whining and strops taught me a valuable lesson in life and that is to always look at the bigger picture and to understand what is real and what is make believe (see "The Butterfly Effect"), which is why today I like to think I buy great and very thoughtful presents - even though my sister Camilla is likely to disagree having received an orange juice squeezer* from me this year!

Of course, the ultimate gift to any human being is pure and unconditional love – something which a child should automatically be gifted by their parents and no gift regardless of cost could (or should) ever be thought of as a replacement (see "A Mother’s Love"); For adults, finding that exclusivity with another human being is akin to tracking down the priceless Holy Grail and Destiny would have it that my priceless Holy Grail is a beautiful woman who can heal with her soul and rearrange furniture in her home seemingly on a weekly basis heart; and my love for her is Pure, Unconditional & “Red Hot [Lovers]” (see "The Lonely Goatherd") for we are True Soulmates past, present and future and I would sacrifice my life for hers if necessary, to protect her and keep her safe even if she is in the wrong X (see Suicide Blonde).

And despite this uniquely special person not being attached seductively to my non-existent tree, I generally love the festive period, as you witness the gleaming and excitable faces on the children wherever you go in expectation of the Big day.  I am not a father, but there is a wonderful little special needs girl, Amelie, who I love dearly and I actually prefer the experience now, as an adult, to when I was a child, because I think as an adult you appreciate this time so much more, as the love and happiness of a child penetrates all hearts and the gift of giving is very important.

However, sometimes events can sadly overshadow the festivities and I take this moment to give thought to the heartbreak that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary School, Connecticut in America recently.

I am sure all our Hearts go out to the children, teachers, their families and loved ones whose lives were lost and broken.  It shows once again how fragile Life is and why we should always right wrongs, get things off our chest (let it ALL OUT!), express our True feelings, confront deep rooted fears and help others before that chance of True Happiness and Peace within, is lost in this lifetime.  I only hope that Destiny proves their lives will not be lost in vain and whilst I scream and shout with those affected at the seeming injustices and failings of the time we inhabit; in time, I hope the world as a whole will become a safer and more blessed place for their sacrifice…

Wishing the children and teachers of Sandy Hook and every person whose life force expired in 2012 - Peace and Comfort wherever their souls may rest… True Love is never conditional x

Merry Xmas World & Godspeed for 2013

Isaac X

Veritas vos liberabit

[Also read Isaac's latest posts, "One Last Sleep", 'She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014;' "A Kiss from a Rose", 'A Champagne and Rolex Affair...;' "Sex on Fire", 'Making you Shine for Valentine's Day; an emotional aphrodisiac and Isaac's steamiest article yet...;' "A Giraffe is not just for Xmas" and "The Bobby Ewing Shuffle", 'The follow up to “True Love at 15000,” an article stirred with beautiful love, showers, dreams and Dallas x...' Other relevant articles include, "True Love at 15000", an article about 'coming of age,' wisdom, dreams and, of course, True Love...; "Let's Face the Music and Dance", the follow up to, "The Lonely Goatherd," and an insightful look at relationships and the lessons to be learned from our elders; “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?”, I believe in Angels”, “Wacky Races”, “Staying Alive” and “The Naked Countess – Interview Exclusive” and if you are at fingers and thumbs for a New Year’s Resolution read, “Happy New Year – The Final Edition”  :-)x]

I can also be followed on Twitter @theSarayiahpost

*Not to be confused with a juicer!

Naked Fishes

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Singer Songwriter Susan Black sings, "Naked Fishes"

Synopsis: Celebrating lovely Maria's Birthday... Gosh is she getting old :-)!x

...Today is darling Modern Day Maria’s beautiful Birthday.  She is a whopping 15341 days old readers – yes I know, that is a LOT of candles bomb, but Maria is enchanting and gifted (not to mention strikingly pretty) and a beacon of light sun in a world filled with much darkness; and maybe one day (with her consent) I will be able to introduce her shine to you all…

In the meantime, while she struggles to set a fire big enough to ignite her (no doubt) ginormous cake – I have chosen this charming song, “Naked Fishes,” written and performed by artiste Susan Black who recently sung Edith Piaf at the Leicester Square Theatre in London; to serenade delightful Maria back into my arms and to rejoice with her on this splendid day in conjoined mind and spirit, but sadly - at this moment - not in conjoined (naked) body kissmark.

Missing you every nanosecond of every day darling Maria and long to hear your orgasmic laughter...

Have a fabulous Birthday.

Electrifying thunder kisses (all over)










Isaac Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ps. With many thanks to Susan Black who personally gave me permission to use this footage for my blog and for more information on Susan Black please go to

Also this blog is now available via Amazon Kindle – just search for it in the Kindle store of your country or click here if in UK Kindle Edition

And further articles which feature the wonderful Maria are…well pretty much all of them :-) xxx

[Also read Isaac's latest posts, "One Last Sleep", 'She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014;' "A Kiss from a Rose", 'A Champagne and Rolex Affair...;' "Sex on Fire", 'Making you Shine for Valentine's Day; an emotional aphrodisiac and Isaac's steamiest article yet...;' "A Giraffe is not just for Xmas"; "The Bobby Ewing Shuffle", 'The follow up to “True Love at 15000,” an article stirred with beautiful love, showers, dreams and Dallas x... "True Love at 15000", is an article about 'coming of age,' wisdom, dreams and, of course, True Love...]

Suicide Blonde

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Suicide_Blonde.jpgIllustration of "Suicide Blonde" by Chewedkandi

Synopsis: How Isaac's world collapsed and why he is still alive today to tell the story...

...When I started out to write this I never realised it would be so difficult.  It goes to the heart of my feelings and how close I came to losing my life during the time when my world collapsed between Jan 2010 and May 2011.  It will equally be difficult for many to read, as it goes into detail of my despair like I haven’t before and as the title suggests talks in candid detail about this. During this time in my life I was highly suicidal.

The reason why I am writing this article now is because I was recently contacted by journalist Brian Whelan for and asked to talk about my experiences on suicide and that interview can be read by clicking on the link towards the end of this article.  Also World Suicide Awareness Day was last month and helping others who may be going through what I went through is very important to me.

Every day someone is in the midst of severe depression and sadly contemplating taking their lives and or indeed taking their lives. It can be for medical reasons or situational (such as mine) and there are always cases in the press about sadly the loss of another human being via suicide.  I suppose when I ask myself the question would I have definitively put the so called bullet through my head – the answer is unequivocally yes and indeed on 14th June 2010 I was effectively dead.

I was desperately unhappy and in a situation beyond my control and that morning I came downstairs at my family home and started to Google “suicide” having woken up in floods of tears, which was becoming an all too common occurrence.  Whilst I lay there crying I could ‘see’ myself coming downstairs in my dressing gown and Googling “suicide” and how to do it and 20 minutes later that is exactly what I was doing.  It was if I was acting out a pre-determined plan which had only come to me in that moment, but in reality was a causal chain emerging from tragic events of 26th Jan 2010 and which pressure gradually built up until implosion point and that implosion came in the way of my suicide.

Having never researched suicide prior, I knew that this would be the end of me and would signal the final moments of my life, as it would breach my final in built defence barrier – all my other defences having already been neutralised and I have been in difficult situations before, but this situation was different.

I was trapped in a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from where 5 months on I still struggled to believe what was happening, as the fundamentally always enchanting and sensual relationship I shared with the person who I care for even beyond my own well-being – beautiful, kind, intelligent, deeply lovely, sexy, highly creative, Spiritually & Healing gifted and great at making Mexican Soup Maria – fell off a cliff face and sadly for reasons which are still held close to her delightful chest...kissmark

A chain of events that was to have severe and traumatic consequences and threaten our very essence and because who I believe we are to each other - True soul mates - and that can be the only reason why it has always been so special between us from the receipt of her breath-taking emails in Oct 2007 in response to my ‘risqué’ dating ad (see "The Lonely Goatherd"), where she cited we had the same kissing disease and that I was dangerous!!!, but recanted in the next sentence saying she was, just kidding! – I would always sacrifice my life to protect her, as well as our relationships’ integrity at a metaphysical and spiritual level, than to have everything we stand for as Human beings be torn apart with the tremendous generation of trauma that would bring us both.

I would be desperately unhappy for the rest of my life and in the most abysmal pain and distress and I surmise she would be in similar anguish, for we could never recover from something so damaging and our True soul mate status would be revoked for eternity… Well that is what I believed and still do.

And ultimately, despite the many reasons people tragically take their lives or contemplate doing so – I ascertain it is due to Happiness and if someone is deeply unhappy and they see no other way out of their situation then it becomes maybe the only option to end their pain and distress.

By sacrificing my life, my trail of thought went… I would have prevented a fate worse than death, as we would be able to rekindle our magic once reborn in another lifetime and would have prevented a lifetime of torment in this world.  In time she would hopefully be able to recover in the knowledge I would be at Peace and crucially I would have prevented us from going against whom we are at our core being and which defines each and every one of us and which would have instantly been mutually self-destructive.

The effect on my friends and my family, in particular my two sisters and our wonderful – now 77 year old Mother (see "A Mother’s Love") – would have been devastating, as they would have lost their only brother and son respectively, but when you are that low you only think of what you are going through (and why) and distance yourself from everything else that isn’t directly relevant.  As selfish as that may seem - and as I repeatedly told the doctors – you can’t live life for others and one’s own Happiness must ultimately prevail; and if, in my case, I knew there was no hope Maria and I could ever BE due to the events that were unfolding then I wasn’t going to live a soul destroying pain everyday knowing that I could never be Truly Happy ever again.

It is a process known as disassociation, as the mind protects itself from the terrible consequences of the actions its body is about to undertake and allows the person to commit terrible harm to themselves by removing the fear and anxiety normally associated with such trauma.   I was to talk about suicide with detailed plans of how I was going to kill myself, as if I was taking a stroll to the shops to buy my favourite ice-cream, Vanilla Haagen-Dazs.

Yet I always believed what was happening was a terrible mistake.  I spent days replaying everything in my mind about us with the depth and understanding of this most wonderful of human beings’, Maria, and our relationship to finally confirm this premise in my head.  She was always to say how always great we are together and was the only other person bar me who knew that the situation which had developed between us now had no basis…  And after a harrowing 16 months which would see me brought to my knees, the conclusion I derived at would finally be proven correct, but on this day in June 2010 my pain and distress had reached unbearable proportions and I couldn’t be alive anymore.

The counselling I had arranged via my GP (Doctor) to try and deal with this crisis was not working as I was living a lie... Nothing and no-one could save me from this turmoil and Heal my pain except for Maria herself.  She would be able to sense and feel the depths of my heartache and no doubt be in similar distress herself and I could feel that too, but maybe concealing her anguish and concerns to the outside world.

Heartbreakingly though there didn’t seem to be any salvation, as the engaging infamous butterfly flapped vigorously (see "The Butterfly Effect") and Maria seemingly had her sensuous wavy blonde locks penetrating her own hole in the sand (see "The Healing Power of Sand").  Danger loomed and I wept.

…Except Maria was to save my life that morning and despite me not being in contact with her for almost 5 months prior she reacted instinctively to my goodbye text:

Maria. I can’t go on anymore. I love you so much, but it’s time to end this. I cry every day and at least in death I can’t be hurt anymore. Please forgive me [for taking my life]. Isaac Xx

Twenty minutes later police surrounded my car, as I tried to flee to my resting place and was escorted numb into a waiting ambulance, where I promptly broke down to the caring paramedics weeping, She’s hurt me so badly…” 

Following this breakdown I was to become an inpatient at the Cygnet Psychiatric Hospital in Harrow, Middlesex – first for a period of 6 weeks and then again over XMAS time, as my family tried to get me help and was placed under the care of Medical Director and eminent psychiatrist Dr Adrian Lord.  I attended group therapy sessions some of which were run by notable counsellor, Helen Backhouse and who I can’t recommend highly enough.  But despite all this no-one was able to change my mind and I remained highly suicidal.

Tensions ran high at times between Dr Lord and me due to him being unable to make any inroads into my psyche and I steadfastly refused medication and disagreed with many of his diagnoses!  He also attempted to section me at XMAS time as my mental health went into free-fall and I returned, which was incredibly distressing.

In between stays at the Cygnet and running away (which I also did for 5 weeks after leaving in the summer, utilising my scarce resources on a lovely cottage in Carlisle, Scottish Borders to try and gather my thoughts and to give me a way out unobstructed if needed), I was to research extensively suicide and the best and most painless ways to go and left messages on suicide forums under aliases one of which is still in existence today.

I leave it there, as I am contacted by people who are suicidal and email me to see if I am still alive! I always respond and try to speak with them to see if I can help them through their troubles and get to the root cause of their issues, as having been through what they are going through – I may be able to offer them a different way of thinking and perspective that others maybe couldn’t.  Though I always stress that it is important to seek appropriate medical help, as well as tell friends and family so they know how you are feeling and can equally help and try and be supportive.

This was something I personally never did and only 2 or 3 very close friends knew of what was happening. My family didn’t know anything until that day in June when I emailed my sister Camilla apologising to her and asking her to look after mum for me moments before I left my home with the intention of never returning...

Excruciatingly, despite saving my life in June 2010 and Maria letting it known what was really happening in Oct 2010 - mimicking what I had always said and sending my mood momentarily soaring whilst in hideaway in Carlisle - the crisis that started in Jan 2010 was to continue throughout the year and magnifying the pain and despair tenfold.  In December 2010 another trigger was to send me spiralling lower from an already devastatingly low point.  I was in tears literally all the time and could barely function as a human being, staring into space and hardly able to speak and with probably only a couple of days left in me a remarkable event took place and I remember it vividly… 

A beautiful Angel with Maria’s heart-warming face illuminated me at 5.45am on 21st December 2010 and eight minutes of pure divinity and transcendence was to start my revival (see "I Believe In Angels" and "Staying Alive").  An extraordinary lifeline was handed to me by this divine spirit and I always think about that day.  It has had a profound impact on me, as of course has this entire period in my life and today, I communicate regularly with my Angels who guide and protect me, but everyone has this ability – you just need to reach out for their help and guidance.

I am living proof that however bad one may think their situation to be, there can be HOPE and in May 2011 Maria courageously recanted permanently and protected us from any further damage, which is just as I always said she would (but to which no-one would listen to me) – she just took her time doing it as the gravity of the situation had no-doubt got the better of her too!

A tragic mistake with horrendous consequences was put to bed and since, I have been able to rejuvenate my existence and indeed am writing about it to try and help others.  I can only believe my life was saved for a reason and which raison d'être I will equally keep close to my chest for now… But I do believe that when it is your time to go – you are gone regardless and no-one can save you and clearly it wasn’t my time and sometimes you have to go through deep negatives to reach a far greater positive (See "The Naked Countess - Interview Exclusive").

As I recall the tumultuous events of my journey (see "A Journey Becomes One"), it doesn’t seem like it is me I am talking about. I can see my past self doing all these macabre things with the present me looking on as an observer in a sort of out-of-body experience, but maybe that is necessary to shield me from the terrifying trauma which I experienced and which I still go through at times.  In my sessions with Dr Lord, I used to tell him that if there was a scale of 1-10 where 1 is top yourself and 10 is you are in tip-top condition then for the most part during this period I was on a 0 - 2!

And despite our disagreements I have the utmost appreciation for him.  He fought hard to save my life, as Destiny would put us together for a reason and I doubt any other psychiatrist in this country would have been as supportive or worked as tirelessly as he did to help me.  Today we regularly converse (not in a doctor – patient way!) and he even reads this blog from time to time!

All that is needed now is for Maria and I to re-engage permanently and put this very sad and extremely distressful time behind us and even though she hasn’t said so as yet, I’ve no doubts it was for Maria too, as well as our respective friends and family and I am sure there is deep regret over what transpired.

Throughout I never lost sight of how truly fabulous Maria is and always stood up for her despite the terrible suffering I was in – even if it meant my life had to end… Each and every one of us makes mistakes - even people who I suggest are meant to be entwined for the rest of their lives (see "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?") - and I am guilty of making mistakes in life just as much as the next person.

But it is important that we all take time to reflect on our actions and how they impact on others as well as our own well-being and right those errors in judgements, as soon as the mistake is realised, rather than allowing events to continue in the hope they will right themselves where generally they tend to blow up in ones face instead!

Life, after all, is very precious and should be lived to be Truly Happy, as you rarely ever know when it is your time (see "A Celebration of Life") and what is round that metaphorical corner.  By helping others and healing the pain caused from past actions we can have positive Karma (as opposed to negative Karma) and be at Peace within ourselves and the world at large…

My interview with is titled, I Survived Helium Suicideand can be read by clicking HERE and it is even more candid than this article with images that some may find disturbing, but it is ultimately a positive article and may inspire or influence some to seek help or think a different way rather than ending their existence.  Never a truer phrase was bestowed upon me by Dr Lord, Suicide is a permanent solution to what maybe a temporary problem.”

Take care everyone and please if you are reading this and in a difficult place or would just like someone to talk to, I can be contacted via the contact page on this blog and Maria I wait by the phone for when you don’t call :-)xxx.

Love you deeply…

Isaac x

Ps. Below is a list of the websites and contact numbers from the organisations mentioned in this article plus The Maytree Respite Centre for the Suicidal, where I also stayed but did not have space in this article to discuss it and the Samaritans:

The Maytree Respite Centre’s Tel: 0207 263 7070, website is

Helen Backhouse can be contacted via Cygnet Hospital, Harrow Tel: +44 (0) 208 966 7000 and the Website is

Dr Adrian Lord is now consulting psychiatrist at The Priory, Roehampton Tel: +44 (0) 20 8876 8261, website:

The Samaritans tel: 08457 90 90 90 (UK), 1850 60 90 90 (ROI) website:

[Also read Isaac's latest posts, "One Last Sleep", 'She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014;' "A Kiss from a Rose", 'A Champagne and Rolex Affair...;' "Sex on Fire", 'Making you Shine for Valentine's Day; an emotional aphrodisiac and Isaac's steamiest article yet...;' "A Giraffe is not just for Xmas" and "The Bobby Ewing Shuffle", 'The follow up to “True Love at 15000,” an article stirred with beautiful love, showers, dreams and Dallas x...' Other relevant articles include: "True Love at 15000", an article about 'coming of age,' wisdom, dreams and, of course, True Love...; "Let's Face the Music and Dance", 'The follow up to, "The Lonely Goatherd," and an insightful look at relationships and the lessons to be learned from our elders;' "Scream and Shout", 'Exploring Love at Xmas Time... Let it ALL OUT!' and "Naked Fishes", 'A Birthday celebration of's Modern Day heroine, Maria']

Isaac with Levi Roots, Jamaica Day extra cropped resized 120812.jpgPicture of Isaac Sarayiah with "Reggae Reggae Sauce" and "Dragons' Den" Levi Roots at "I Love Jamaica Day 2012"

...A year ago today I officially launched this blog.  It was exactly 6 months after the bleakest period in my life had dramatically and tearfully come to an end and a time which I reflect upon on a daily basis with all the emotion that brings.  To this day though, I am still unsure what actually made me want to start writing, maybe it was Divine inspiration, maybe it was a need to express my deepest of feelings and to reach out to someone special and or maybe it was a cathartic necessity, but always in mind it was to be my views on Life and Love etc with the aim of helping others…

I remember some of the reactions when I told those closest of my plans.  My younger sister Camilla humoured me saying, “Oh that’s great!” but also later telling me she thought it would keep me out of mischief after all – who would read it she mused so let him write away and it could be a positive thing for me.  My very close friend, Michael Gelardi (see "A Celebration of Life") thought it was another one of my “crazy” ideas.

But as I say, I believe everything is Destiny now and so clearly this is part of mine and in the 12 months since creating this blog, I have received 2 job offers with the latter coming from a company in the US to provide Love and Relationship advice to their users via Skype, been contacted by a well-known British actor who asked me to be THEIR Facebook friend and where of course I readily accepted (and who surreally was part of the Olympic Opening Ceremony); and my blog has had roughly 78,000 visitors from around the world and is on target to have over 100,000 visitors for 2012 as a whole or including my heart, delectable Modern Day Maria, we can say it is 78,001 with her readership heartx.

Obviously from what I have previously written, this person means the world to me and is a deep source of inspiration for this blog and it will be 5 years in Oct since I met Maria who is the person I have been looking for all my life, except it was her who found me (see "The Lonely Goatherd" and which is probably my favourite article thus far) and where from the moment we breathed the same air and I couldn’t stop sneezing kissmarkx – it was mesmerising between us.  That said I had to fight hard and be at my persuasive, logical and charming best just to see her again, as after our first meeting she joked I was allergic to her and that it didn’t work for her despite her saying how marvellous it was between us (she is a bit crazy scorpius), but of course we did start seeing each other again and as I say in "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?", in hindsight, I fell deeply in love with her from the moment we kissed.  Regrettably I was not to tell her how I Truly felt until two years later. I was a zombie the day before, as my body shut down except for the most menial of tasks as extremely high levels of anxiety flowed through me and as I visualised the moment at hand using the technique she had introduced me to (see "Happy New Year – The Final Edition").  I legged it across London to see her, somehow keeping my nerves in check on what was a sunny & mild November early morning, without time to have anything to eat or drink so I could look straight into those sensual gleaming dark eyes of hers and communicate my deeply held affection, “I love you…, Maria I love you…  I want to spend the rest of my life with you; I want to have children with you,” as our hearts raced in sync edging cardiac arrest and Time paused.

The reason for my reticence in baring my naked soul prior is I felt it would be very difficult for her to deal with, as it challenged emotions and memories deep within (see "The Naked Countess - Interview Exclusive""Staying Alive" and "A Mother's Love"), and we were always Happy just bathing in each others auras.  Because of this fear, I did what you shouldn’t do and buried my True feelings with my head in my own hole in the sand (see "Healing Power of Sand"). But life is never easy and very difficult things should be talked about and fears confronted in order for a new world and chapter to begin and if we are ever to be FREE, ALIVE and Truly HAPPY.  Also it was important, given the past, that this most captivating of persons knew with certainty that I meant every word of what I was about to say so that regardless what happened next and wherever she was in the world or whoever with – there will always be this one person, “Isaac” who will always be there for her, adore her and who will wait a lifetime just to be with her – and that will always be TRUE Maria x.

Understandably, the legendary Bard William Shakespeare was right when he elicits in A Midsummers Night’s Dream, “The course of True Love never runs smooth,” as an avalanche was soon to hit (see "Steve Jobs iRIP 1955-2011") and without warning except for extreme soul mate pain in my heart telling me something was very wrong. As written, this avalanche was to almost claim my life, but a beautiful Angel with Modern Day Maria’s face and glowing with the same warmth and love of which she emanates was to divinely and poignantly intervene (see "I Believe In Angels").  Today, I am very grateful to be alive and helping others by telling my story in what is one of the greatest things I have ever done - albeit still deeply unhappy, empty inside and in terrible pain from what transpired, but this sorrow will always be live until we share a moment of courage together and I accept that.  Her own beautiful Angels, I am sure, are swirling around her as I type, projecting their spiritual words of guidance and deep love trying to help her and us with our Angels regularly communicating.

As what is at stake is the very reason why we rekindled our eternal bond almost 5 years ago and why actually the avalanche had to be triggered, as a transcendental Life test and sacrifice paves the way for a journey of never-ending Happiness, True Love and Sexual Ecstasy; and a moment of valour is all it will take to revitalise this now world adventure that normally only childhood dreams are made of…shinex

In the interim, whilst I try and keep my spirits up and religiously check my emails and text messages for what torturously seems like eternity for any signs of direct life from her, I have decided to take this blog to the next level and today I officially launch my own range of merchandise as I turn my blog into brand Sarayiah!

I have been working on this for several months since the idea ‘popped’ into my head and have created my own e-commerce site, “My-Store” which is a link on the left hand side of my blog.  The ‘range’ is admittedly a bit sparse at the moment, but consists of the simply scrumptious sun “” T-Shirts printed with my strapline, “be FREE be ALIVE be Truly HAPPY” and “Keep Your Distance” Car Stickers inspired after my “Wacky Races” incident and subsequent article!  The T-Shirts are made from 100% High Quality Cotton and are available in both male and female cut shapes, multiple sizes and colours including Golden Orange (as depicted by me above), Red, White and Sarayiah Blue :-).  The car stickers are equally of high quality and are water, scratch, tear and fade resistant. Payment is facilitated by Paypal, but you don’t need a Paypal account to purchase just an accepted credit or debit card.

My-Store (pronounced “mis-tuh-ree” pisces) is designed to promote and follow through on my philosophy of Life, Love and Relationships which seems to have encapsulated so many.  I intend to increase this range over time and there is FREE shipping worldwide on all orders £75 and over x.

And with that I sign off for today to celebrate becoming a “Little Daddy,” as my baby booming blog becomes a toddler and we enter further into unchartered waters.  And to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Maria (different film I know, but same wonderful Julie Andrews), I say, “Ca va?” “Oh and if you have some spare apples they would be graciously received as would some healing…Missing you xxx

Have a fabulous day all and thank you for making this blog an astonishing success… And don’t forget to buy a “” Exclusive T-shirt (and or a car sticker) x.



[Also read Isaac's latest posts, "One Last Sleep", 'She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014;' "A Kiss from a Rose", 'A Champagne and Rolex Affair...; "Sex on Fire", Making you Shine for Valentine's Day; an emotional aphrodisiac and Isaac's steamiest article yet...; "A Giraffe is not just for Xmas" and "The Bobby Ewing Shuffle", the follow up to “True Love at 15000,” an article stirred with beautiful love, showers, dreams and Dallas x... Other relevant articles include: "True Love at 15000", an article about 'coming of age,' wisdom, dreams and, of course, True Love...; "Let's Face the Music and Dance", the follow up to, "The Lonely Goatherd," and an insightful look at relationships and the lessons to be learned from our elders; "Scream and Shout", exploring Love at Xmas Time... Let it ALL OUT!; "Naked Fishes", a Birthday celebration of's Modern Day heroine, Maria and "Suicide Blonde", an unbridled account of how Isaac’s world collapsed and why he is still alive today to tell his story]

heads_in_sand.jpgPicture of People With Their Heads In The Sand!

Synopsis: A functional guide to Healing the Mind, Body & Spirit of Life's Stresses & Emotional Complexities and providing a path to True Happiness & Love...

...I haven’t blogged for a little while. After my last article (see "A Naked Countess") I was mentally exhausted and in need of a break, plus inspiration had deserted me.  I am sharing my views on deep emotional and very personal issues and at times it does takes its toll on me, but on the plus side my blog has come a long way since I launched it on 24th August last year with it receiving around 10,000 visitors a month now and also realising that the person who holds my heart – the enchanting beautiful Modern Day Maria (see "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?") is one of my regular readers is simply scintillating and heart-warming.

Sadly though, this magical Maria is yet to open direct communication with me since she finally broke our chain of despair just over a year ago now, but I hope my healing words, compassion, unconditional love for her, courage and guidance will provide her with the necessary support and reassurance to enable her to make this step and hopefully sooner rather than later, as neither of us are spring chickens anymore chickx.

Open and honest communication is the only way to deal with problems, both as they arise and mistakes made in the past, in order to resolve things at the root and Heal the pain the Mind, Body and Spirit has suffered and once healed these issues are gone forever.  Dealing with things in this manner has a real and very beneficial positive, cathartic and spiritual liberation (see "The Butterfly Effect" and "Staying Alive") and can transform situations and lives and open the body’s inner doors to everything wonderful and a shot at the Heavyweight Life Title that is “True Happiness & Love.”

Alas, many people try and bury their problems and true feelings – some out of fear for not knowing how to deal with them or the unchartered waters if they do - which only results in further harm to oneself and potentially others and some tragically allow mistakes to run and run despite knowing that they have made a mistake, as the difficulty in saying sorry and putting things right becomes overwhelming in their mind, as their own insecurities and maybe a sense of failure refuse them peace of mind.  This causes damage to all parties involved and can - if not subsequently checked and corrected - have dire consequences, as the causal cycle becomes a snowball of negativity and infiltrates every part of one’s life cycle and, in turn, leading to further negativity, poor judgement and heartache.  “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction” – one of the fundamental laws of physics and I believe the Universe and the very essence of Karma.

The same can be said for underlying issues that may have travelled with you throughout your life and which have never been dealt with.  In my interview with the lovely and creative, Countess Alex Zapak - she entered into highly destructive relationships as an adult due to the causal consequences of the lack of love and care from her parents as a child (See "A Mother’s Love"); She craved what she never had, which in turn led to terrible decisions with regards relationships etc, as “Love” only became synonym with pain to her.  As time progressed these feelings and trauma continued to build inside like the pressure from tectonic plates underneath an active volcano until, eventually suicidal, she sought help.  In between, to try and fend off her emotional distress, she threw herself into her work and moved abroad. This is known as distraction techniques and is sadly a practice sanctioned by many a therapist and psychiatrist; To not deal with the root cause of the pain or problems, but to ‘distract’ yourself and your emotions in belief that Time Heals. The same can be said for anti-depressants and anti-psychotic drugs, which they also like to dispense.

Drugs in this context simply alter one’s mind so that a person can function and take the sting off their dark emotions, but they in no way solve the problem. When I was in the depths of my depression and in the Cygnet Hospital Harrow (see “I Believe in Angels”), they wanted to prescribe me anti-depressants and anti-psychotic drugs in order to try and change my thinking and save my life, but I continually refused.  I said to psychiatrist Dr Adrian Lord (who is now consulting psychiatrist at The Priory, Roehampton), “You tell me that taking one of those pills will make my situation go away and I will take as many as you like, but until you can tell me that I am not taking anything.”  I always knew the bigger picture and fundamental truth of the situation I was experiencing with Maria – not that it made it any better as I was in a terrible state and desperately low and highly suicidal, but taking medication to try and alter that state to me was the wrong thing to do, as if I am feeling very low then I want to know that is my true feeling and vice versa.  In addition, anti-depressants and anti-psychotic drugs have a list of side effects.

The thought that Time heals, as does having ones head in a sand pit (The Ostrich Technique) are misnomers.  Time doesn’t heal, but what it does allow is space for reflection of one’s actions and events. However, Time also allows you to put distance between the trauma and your true feelings. The first part is healthy, but if you don’t act on those reflections in order to resolve the issues/ mistakes then at some point there will be a trigger and all those buried emotions will break riot through your body causing widespread internal and mental flames of despair, just as a volcano erupts so will the truth inside of youthunder.  In the interim you may feel dissatisfied, unhappy, lonely, hopelessness, emptiness and depressed etc. All these negative influences will impact on decisions you make in life whether it be work or in your love life etc and even though you may not be able to see it at the time (because your head is in a hole made of sand) when you finally surface, the consequences of ignoring the issues will be plain and heart breaking and bring you further to the implosion point.

It is very easy when faced with a difficult situation or a perceived difficult situation to not deal with the issues and fall into The Ostrich Technique trap.  It may work for Ostriches and even the odd confused Giraffe (crazy I know!), but for us Human’s that is a recipe for disaster and will only prevent us from living an exultant and fulfilling life and experiencing the dream of True Love and Happiness, as well as maybe the other parties involved. You should never try and mask your real feelings for these reasons and if you do so you are only lying to yourself and prepping for a lifetime of heartache.

These are “” top tips for Healing the Mind, Body and Spirit and avoiding the pitfalls of The Ostrich Technique:

  1. Always deal with a problem at the root cause wherever possible; Seek help of others and medical professionals if necessary.  It is absolutely alright to feel low and unhappy, but if these feelings persist then things are not as they should be.  Problems also arise when you try to pretend otherwise and mask those true feelings; Be open and honest with your feelings and talk about them to the appropriate people and the persons concerned. Blocking out others who can help and care about you and running away from the situation is clearly a false economy.
  2. Take a step back to avoid being reactionary to the person and problem at hand and try to understand the bigger picture. In other words look deeper into the situation rather than just what can be seen at the surface and think laterally and causally. Ie If I take action A then what will be consequence B, C and D, as well as why is this happening etc (see "Wacky Races").  Once you understand the reason why a situation has arisen it can generally be solved.
  3. Try and understand the fundamental truth of the situation. People sadly do not tell the truth for a variety of reasons so being able to go beyond someone’s words to the reality is vital.  Words account for only 7 per cent of communication between humans (I learnt that whilst in the hospital hospital)! If you can see the bigger picture of any given situation (see "Steve Jobs iRIP 1955-2011" and "Hide and Seek") and understand the truth then I believe you will be able to see the causal outcome ahead of time (like predicting the future). I believe that there is only ever one outcome per situation!
  4. Always be honest and truthful with yourself and others and think of the other person’s feelings as well as your own. Hurting someone (including oneself) is never a positive; Try and put yourself in their position and understand how they are feeling and why they are reacting like they are, as well as why you are reacting like you are. If you’ve overreacted then admit it.
  5. Understand that you can’t live your life for others. As I say in my article on True Love, “The Lonely Goatherd,” most people enter into relationships for the wrong reasons (with some of those reasons as discussed in this article and blog) and then stay in those relationships well beyond their sell by date, say to try and keep the family unit together or because of fear of being single again…Your happiness must ultimately prevail and if others truly care about you then they will be happy if you are Truly Happy and explain that to them, but nothing will change intrinsically unless you confront the underlying cause of your problems, as history will repeat.
  6. Helping people in life helps you to realise True Happiness and Peace within (Karma). Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself and don’t be afraid to make a stand for something you passionately believe in even if it goes against the status quo and your peers – just as I did - as long as you can justify your decision rationally! Just because the majority of people think one thing – that doesn’t make them right!
  7. Saying sorry when you have made a mistake is an absolute MUST and don’t allow problems/mistakes to run. The calming and Healing power of a sincere apology for all parties is priceless and spiritually cathartic; Stopping mistakes immediately once you realise your error will prevent a causal nexus of heartache and pain; and saying Sorry even if you don’t think you are at fault is sometimes the way forward if it will help bring about everlasting harmony x. If you dig a hole, to get out of it don’t keep digging and eat some humble pie!
  8. Taking a break from the situation – say going on a trip somewhere calm etc - can help you see things in a different perspective and more clearly. This is not a distraction technique, but giving you time to breathe and gather your thoughts before you deal with the situation at hand.
  9. Allow the Universe and your Guardian Angel to guide you. I believe the Universe is always talking to you - you just need to listen. Lorna Byrne, an Irish author who I have quoted previously and who can uniquely see and communicate with Angels just as we do with each other says, “Your Guardian Angel is always there you just need to reach out and ask for their help.” (See "I Believe In Angels", "A Mother's Love", "A Celebration of Life" and "Staying Alive")
  10. Finally, use Common Sensea concept which many seem alien to!!

Always remember that you are Truly Loved by Higher Energies and whilst sand is great for building temporary castles with your children and the sensation of it running through your toes is delightful, its cognitive healing powers of Life’s complexities and stresses are limited and not just in proportion to the size or depth of the hole your head is in!

So leave the sand calisthenics to our flightless feathered friends and have a reflective day heart.

Love Isaac


[Also read Isaac's latest posts, "One Last Sleep", 'She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014;' "A Kiss from a Rose", 'A Champagne and Rolex Affair...; "Sex on Fire", Making you Shine for Valentine's Day; an emotional aphrodisiac and Isaac's steamiest article yet...; "A Giraffe is not just for Xmas" and "The Bobby Ewing Shuffle", the follow up to “True Love at 15000,” an article stirred with beautiful love, showers, dreams and Dallas x... Other relevant articles include: "True Love at 15000", an article about 'coming of age,' wisdom, dreams and, of course, True Love...; "Let's Face the Music and Dance", the follow up to, "The Lonely Goatherd," and an insightful look at relationships and the lessons to be learned from our elders; "Scream and Shout", exploring Love at Xmas Time... Let it ALL OUT!; "Naked Fishes", a Birthday celebration of's Modern Day heroine, Maria; "Suicide Blonde", an unbridled account of how Isaac’s world collapsed and why he is still alive today to tell his story; "A Journey Becomes One", an article full of Heart & Love as Isaac Sarayiah Celebrates becoming a "Little Daddy," and "Land of Hope and Glory - The London 2012 Games"]

Alex Zapak Naked on Bed.jpgPerformance Artist Countess Alex Zapak Laid Bare

Synopsis: The journey of Alex Zapak to get where she is today and the emotional heartache she has faced...

Introduction and Foreword

...In December last year I was kindly invited to the premier of “FaIRy TAil PuNK” by PR and long-time Facebook friend, Julius Just of Just Associates starring performer Alex Zapak. Being it was near XMAS and even though I didn’t have the foggiest of what I was actually being invited to, as I had never heard of Alex Zapak – the prospect of free alcohol always tempted me and so of course I attended.  The stage was at the London Print Studios on the Harrow Road.

It was a surreal experience just walking through the door and after a few minutes of trying to acclimatise to my new surroundings I almost turned around and left.  This was not a performance in the theatrical or cinema sense where the audience sit in orderly rows of seats.  No I walked into a room with people strewn on Tracey Eminesque style half made up beds complete with blankets and pillows as well as more bodies scrunched across the floor.  As I was to discover this was all part of the ‘experience’ and we – the crowd – were to be filmed as part of the show and this “the set,” as I was to discover, was meant to replicate Alex’s bedroom at home!  Then, as if a sign that I should stay, from a side entrance I witnessed a slender, attractive brunette who was clearly naked and being wrapped in what looked like Clingfilm!  Either I was about to witness some weird cult offering to the Bernard Matthews ready basted Gods or I was to be seduced by the impressionist charms of this woman. Either way it was going to be an “experience” and worth staying around to find out exactly of what type!

This was the lovely Alex Zapak or as she affectionately calls herself, “Countess” Alex Zapak and she would continue her journey to the stage hoisted aloft on a white cross naked apart from the food preservative wrap she sported.  For those who have not heard of her – like myself at that time - I would wholly recommend you Google her after reading this article and watch some of her performances on YouTube and read some of her press.  She is someone who has gone through the avalanches of life as many of us do (see ”How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?”, “Steve Jobs IRIP 1955-2011”, ”I Believe In Angels”, ”Staying Alive”), but fortunately has survived to tell the tale in a very unique and eclectic way and, as I was to discover, has been described as, “The Femme Fatal of the Underground,” by Rolling Stone Magazine and actress Rachel Weisz said of her, “I have never seen anything like it. The best performer I have ever seen.”

Her show lasted for about 40 minutes – not all naked I have you mind, as she donned a sexy backless beige dress during her first montage, but I still stayed.  Her songs and performance were about Love, Loss, Heartache, Tragedy, Death, Passion, Dreams, Twilight (her horse – not the film genre!) and concurrently Life and even though I didn’t necessarily understand everything she was trying to portray it still resonated with me; I believed there to be a powerful undercurrent for baring her soul to this world and I was eager to know more and to see if her story would fit in with the remit I have for my blog so I asked for this interview and it was granted. What follows is a synopsis of a 4 hour long very open and honest interview I had with her and my first ever interview…


The Interview...

...Through the course of the evening, I found Alex Zapak to be a charming, intelligent, beautiful, philosophical, bodacious and clearly a highly creative individual - even though that last quality was a given after the performance I had witnessed a month before. It was also clear we both had suffered through our lives and at points experienced deep depressions even though for differing reasons, but still conjoined under the umbrella that is LOVE.  In many respects, her journey was driven by a passion to discover True Love and to be Loved Unconditionally, sadly never experiencing it as a child or through her adult years. Her life due to this has been a causal nexus of heartache peppered with highs along the way and this clearly emanates from her impassioned performances.  Declining to tell me her age except as, “A wolf in full bloom,” she was neglected as a child by the very people we all place our utmost trust in – our parents.  Love was something she knew very little of and so, as she grew older her natural distrust in human beings made it impossible for her to love anybody yet alone herself.  In the interview she tragically cites, “I hated myself with a nuclear fierceness.”  She didn’t have an identity, her self-esteem was pretty much non-existent and she blamed herself for not being loved, as many people who are emotional victims do because they are told it is their fault when of course nothing could be further from the truth.

The emotional disparaging relationship with her family took its toll and led to her feeling worthless and lost.  Like a pretty butterfly that has had its wings clipped before it has even gained its pilot license or a beautiful eight year old girl who is in darkness due to the lack of unconditional love from the people that brought her into this world; that in a desperate attempt to Heal her solitude she covers herself in plasters in the upbeat, but ultimately mistaken belief, that these magical Healing Elastoplast’s will provide her with comfort and solace and keep her safe. A HUGE cry for help that devastatingly was never heeded by the parents that be…:-(x.

As discussed in previous articles including, “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?”, “I Believe in Angels”, “The Lonely Goatherd” and “A Mother’s Love”, if a child is not subject to the care, love and attention that should be ingrained in every parents genetic code then it will most likely lead to difficult and more than likely - shattering consequences - down the causal line, especially when it comes to loving others and relationships.  As I continued to ply Alex with red wine and chocolate rice crackers as we moved deeper into her life, she candidly told me that, as she entered her teens and subsequent adult years she became, “Greedy for love.” She was desperate for what she never had and so she entered "highly destructive" romantic relationships in a misguided belief because someone says they “love” you it doesn’t actually mean they do!  “Love is the Agitator,” (see “A Mother’s Love“).

Guided by her experiences, estranged from her family and wanting to make her mark on the world, in 1997 Alex launched her first album about falling in love with all the things that are bad for you and the causal consequences they lead too. It was poignantly titled, “My First Suicide" and candidly expresses her emotions to the point of the said title and she produced and self-financed it by working as a "tragically bad" burlesque dancer! But even in times of great distress it can inspire some to great achievements and Melody Maker said of it, “Unique, brilliant…thrills as much as it chills.”  However, using distraction techniques to get by and through the day is, I believe, just storing up further trouble down the line as you don't deal with the root cause of your situation/ depression - instead you are displacing it in the hope it can be forgotten.  And even though you can sustain this for maybe several years, at some point it will catch up with you and this was to happen in Alex's case (see “Staying Alive“).

During the "sustaining" years things went relatively well professionally for Alex...She didn't have much money despite her family being wealthy, but as she says, “It’s all great coming from money but it is only equivalent to how much LOVE was exercised as a verb.'”  In 2003, impressively Alex was handed UK Designer Magazine's "Woman of the Year" Award beating PINK and Kate Moss into 2nd and 3rd place respectively; and then in 2004 she divorced her husband and moved to New York City, USA and found relative accord with her art band project, “Countess and The CRR (Can’t Understand Normal Thinking, Rock Revolution) which played to packed houses and rave reviews in downtown New York.  The shows produced and art directed by Alex Zapak, showcased radical and exciting transformations of image and sound from week to week to challenge perception and thinking and her reputation flourished to the point that she was crowned, "Queen of the Underground," by social diarist Patrick McMullen.  As she says, “Life is a massive animal farm,” where society dictates your actions and behavioural patterns and only by breaking that Matrix (1999) style enforcement can one be true to who they are and potentially be FREE and Truly HAPPY. 

Yet despite this success and being thought of by some, as one of the inspirations for Lady Ga Ga, she still continued to live in relative poverty in between a Sex Shop and a Fortune Tellers’, as being a creative she was never very good with the business side of things! She considers the positivity about being poor is that it forces you to be very ‘disciplined’ and provides one a perspective as an artist.

Irish author Lorna Bryne, writer of “Angels in My Hair” and “A Message of Hope From The Angels” makes this observation, “Many of us place too much importance on money and material things. Having some money is of course important but the Angels keep telling me to remind you that when you die you can bring no money or material things to Heaven with you. What you do bring with you are your memories and all the love you felt on this earth.”

She continued her life in New York which she loves and in 2009, Alex emerged with "FaIRy TAiL PuNK" which brought together a montage of her past and played to a sold out New York audience on its debut. She was even described as a visionary by certain quarters of the art elite. However, troubled times lay round the corner, as by never really confronting the root cause of her emotions and trauma from her childhood years and then into her teens and adult etc, she was effectively arming a ticking time bomb waiting for its detonation moment (see “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?“ and “Staying Alive“). Also by getting away to New York, she was in my opinion effectively running away from her problems at home and again not dealing with them.

The trigger turned out to be deportation from the USA to England last year for overstaying her visa’s welcome and she crashed harder than ever.  Not only does Alex say she doesn’t like the UK – most likely due to hidden memories of her childhood being brought to the fore (oh and the weather!rain), this time she was forced to relive them in detail, as she had nowhere to go except back to her family home where it all began.  Seen as a failure by her parents - she literally went to bed for a month and couldn't stop crying.  This was Alex hitting rock bottom - just like I had done in Dec 2010 when I too couldn’t stop crying and a beautiful glowing Angel with the face of the delightful, intelligent (even though contrary to her belief - not so great at problem solving (in my humble opinionkissmark!)), furniture re-arranging expert and talented at making delicious Mexican soup, Modern Day Maria - came to my rescue and breathed life back into my soul (see “I believe In Angels“). In Alex’s case she was guided out of the darkness by being encouraged to attend therapy sessions for abused women by a “lovely lady” angel who started visiting her and in hindsight, as she now realised, she was a said victim.  This allowed her to finally begin to talk openly about her deep rooted trauma and to understand why she felt this way and finally to start neutralising - in part at least - the pain and anguish she has been facing all her life.

As I try and point out in my articles and in my opinion – solving a problem at the root cause is the only way to diffuse correctly the pain and heartache so that it can never come back and haunt you…Bottle them up and this is what can happen and most likely – again in my opinion – will happen depending on the severity of the underlying traumatic cause. Sometimes though the only way back is to hit rock bottom in order to rebuild afresh with hope and sanity aries:-)x.  And even though Alex is unlikely to be able to solve this at the root cause she is at least now dealing with the very emotions she has put off for so long, which will hopefully help her lead a far more fulfilling and stable journey through the rest of her life. Of course there will still be speed bumps in the path to causal discovery but generally smaller and more manageable (see "Wacky Races").

Alex is now back to her creative and talented self - maybe even more so than before her breakdown if this is possible - and finally found what may be her first real love who, as I pointed out, she would not have met had she not been deported and been through her "weepy" depression (as she calls it). This is hot on the heels of her successful and highly acclaimed launch of FaIRy TAiL Punk in London – the telling of her life story in episodic parts using moving images, music, poetry, story-telling and singing (with a bit of nudity thrown in).

Alex says, “Everybody’s car journey is different. Everybody sees different scenery on the way. A really important way to connect as Human Beings is to narrate what that car journey is like.

In that respect, my journey has led me to believe everything is Destiny and that the Universe sometimes makes you play a hard game before you can fulfil your ultimate desires. In both mine and Alex's case (and I am sure pretty much most you reading this) that desire is to be Truly Happy and personally, I am not happy or at Peace and won’t be until I am invited round by the wonderful Maria for another bowl of her heart-warming and scrumptious Mexican soup sun:-)x, but I trust this is just a matter of time just as I wholeheartedly trust her.  Dreams are there to be fulfilled and if life happens to give you a tough time try and take a step back and think well maybe this is meant to happen – this is part of my car journey - and if I can just hold on and navigate my way out to the other side, maybe True Happiness is just time pending.  Today I always look for the causal connections between events in my life, as I can see why things happened throughout my past and continue to try and put the pieces together of this highly complex jigsaw in order to predict the future outcomes.

Being True to who you are as a Human Being, is a very important piece in the jigsaw that makes up True Happiness, as is being Truly Loved. As Alex says, “Happiness is MASSIVE,” and it is so important to, “Sing your own Song;” And that is something which bravely she has always done and “A FaIRyTAiL PuNK” is an inspiring modernistic fairy tale of her life.

Have a wonderful day and Celebrate Your life :-)


Ps. For more information on Alex Zapak contact her PR Julius Just at Just Associates, Tel: 08453885814, Email:

For more information on FairyTail Punk, click (Warning: This website contains strong language and nudity)

[Also read Isaac's latest posts, "One Last Sleep", 'She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014;' "A Kiss from a Rose", 'A Champagne and Rolex Affair...; "Sex on Fire", Making you Shine for Valentine's Day; an emotional aphrodisiac and Isaac's steamiest article yet...; "A Giraffe is not just for Xmas" and "The Bobby Ewing Shuffle", the follow up to “True Love at 15000,” an article stirred with beautiful love, showers, dreams and Dallas x... Other relevant articles include: "True Love at 15000", an article about 'coming of age,' wisdom, dreams and, of course, True Love...; "Let's Face the Music and Dance", the follow up to, "The Lonely Goatherd," and an insightful look at relationships and the lessons to be learned from our elders; "Scream and Shout", exploring Love at Xmas Time... Let it ALL OUT!; "Naked Fishes", a Birthday celebration of's Modern Day heroine, Maria; "Suicide Blonde", an unbridled account of how Isaac’s world collapsed and why he is still alive today to tell his story; "A Journey Becomes One", an article full of Heart & Love as Isaac Sarayiah Celebrates becoming a "Little Daddy,"  "Land of Hope and Glory - The London 2012 Games"  Isaac's view on the London 2012 Olympic Games and, "Healing Power of Sand," Isaac's guide to Healing the Mind, Body and Spirit of Life’s stresses and emotional complexities and provide a path to True Happiness and Love x]

Staying Alive

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canadian_air_show_ejection edited.jpgImage of Pilot "Staying Alive!"

Synopsis: The perils of failing to resolve penetrating issues at their root cause...

...Following on from my 40th Birthday Celebrations a month ago (see "A Celebration of Life"), this week I have another reason to celebrate as moves into the top 500k sites in the world as ranked by Alexa - the web information company which monitors traffic for websites in the world’s top 30m. It is also now in the top 5k websites for London and almost in the top 15k websites for the UK as a whole.  This is just 7 months after its launch.

Yet instead of jumping for joy at what I consider is a another milestone in the short history of my blog - just as moving into the top 1m websites in Nov 2011 was (see "Feel The Love"), I have been rather melancholy – depressed even.  This is despite the overwhelming feedback I get for my site to be extremely positive in nature and I have been told that I am helping and inspiring others, which is one of the aims of and an amazing thing.  But despite this, I still can’t shake a general form of malaise.  In fact, my mum commented to my sister Pamela that I looked really sad when I went to visit her in hospital on Monday evening, as she recovers from her spine tingling “knee replacement” surgery  (see "A Mother’s Love").

I think there are several reasons why I am feeling like this, but the major one is that the journey which led me to creating this blog is incredibly distressing and heart breaking, as the relationship between me and the beautifully special Modern Day Maria spiralled into the abyss (see "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?").  An “always great” relationship detonated because of deep rooted issues on love that have never been resolved and which brought me inches from losing my life on several occasions.  Maria intervened to save my life on one of those occasions in June 2010 and a beautiful Angel with the face of Maria on another (see "I Believe In Angels") until she finally put paid to our joint crisis in May 2011. I have never cried so much both on the inside and out and I still shed a few tears every now and again (such as this morning rain).

I think the worst thing you can do when you have experienced a deep trauma and come out of the other side is to try and pretend it never happened. In other words, to bottle it up into a ball of emotions and feelings and try to displace it to a part in your body where it will be forgotten until time reruns the Ice Age, which I suspect is what the lovely Modern Day Maria is trying to do and many people mistakenly do that.  All that does is provide you with a temporary and (very) false sense of accord, which will lead to further headaches down the road, as if you don’t deal with a problem at the root cause it will always (in my opinion) and 99.9% of the time - come back and haunt you;  Next time you may crash harder and this time there may not be an ejector seat (as in the pic above) or a beautiful Angel to save you (and Angels come in many forms!).  Sometimes of course, the root cause cannot be dealt with (say for example if the other party/parties involved are no longer with us), is a situation beyond your control or is extremely difficult to deal with due to reasons such as described in my article, "A Mother’s Love";  Or sometimes - and as described in my Valentine’s Day article on True Love, “The Lonely Goatherd” - a tremendous opportunity arises from the tragic events of the past that will allow what was not solvable before due to its deep rooted and painful nature to now be readily solvable and, in mine and Maria’s situation, all it needs is for our paths to adjoin once again and this time we will be bonded with Superglue – I know as I am buying it by the truckload in anticipation!

Yet despite everything we went through, I believe it was destiny and sometimes life throws heartrending events at us to test us and to help shape us and prepare for the next step in our evolution, which can lead to far greater positives in the future and in this case - fingers and toes crossed – our blissful reunion.  This blog may be one step in the process of that evolution and if you are reading this estranged Maria kissmark, it would be wonderful to share this experience with you and, as you will see if you click on the “My Posts” link which then categorises the articles I have written, there is a “Guest Writer’s” position which has yet to be filled!

Now I have put my thoughts down on internet paper, I have cheered myself up - at least for the now - and so with that I look forward to where this blog will lead me and us maybe/ even and if there are any companies that may be interested in sponsoring this blog then please get in contact, as I am now looking for a GLOBAL sponsor that will help take this to the next level. Maybe with my sponsorship monies I can hire a helicopter with a “” banner to circle over a certain high end furniture store in SW London to help promote my site and the LOVE it radiates sunx.

That aside, saying sorry is often described as the most difficult act in the world, as to do so it means you have to have to open up and acknowledge your mistake, dealing with those emotions and feelings that may have been buried deep in your nether regions and supposedly - depending on the gravity of that mistake - the harder it is to atone for and the longer you leave it the harder it becomes.  But once that step is taken it is cathartic for everyone involved and can heal in ways that no medicine, therapy or even Carlsberg can (if they did healing :-)). You feel better, they feel better – it is a win–win situation and the trauma lived is hopefully neutralised at the root.

Life is the most precious thing and it is tough and short enough as it is without us adding to the mix and our own unhappiness so shouldn’t we do everything we can to help others and ourselves to feel Alive and Truly Happy?



Ps. Coming soon will be my exclusive and in depth interview with performance artist and singer, ‘Countess’ Alex Zapak.

[Also read Isaac's latest posts, "One Last Sleep", 'She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014;' "A Kiss from a Rose", 'A Champagne and Rolex Affair...; "Sex on Fire", Making you Shine for Valentine's Day; an emotional aphrodisiac and Isaac's steamiest article yet...; "A Giraffe is not just for Xmas" and "The Bobby Ewing Shuffle", the follow up to “True Love at 15000,” an article stirred with beautiful love, showers, dreams and Dallas x... Other relevant articles include: "True Love at 15000", an article about 'coming of age,' wisdom, dreams and, of course, True Love...; "Let's Face the Music and Dance", the follow up to, "The Lonely Goatherd," and an insightful look at relationships and the lessons to be learned from our elders; "Scream and Shout", exploring Love at Xmas Time... Let it ALL OUT!; "Naked Fishes", a Birthday celebration of's Modern Day heroine, Maria; "Suicide Blonde", an unbridled account of how Isaac’s world collapsed and why he is still alive today to tell his story; "A Journey Becomes One", an article full of Heart & Love as Isaac Sarayiah Celebrates becoming a "Little Daddy,"  "Land of Hope and Glory - The London 2012 Games"  Isaac's view on the London 2012 Olympic Games, "Healing Power of Sand," Isaac's guide to Healing the Mind, Body and Spirit of Life’s stresses and emotional complexities and provide a path to True Happiness and Love and, "The Naked Countess - Interview Inclusive"]

The Lonely Goatherd

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The Lonely Goatherd Clip from The Sound of Music (1965), Sung by Julie Andrews' Maria and the Children (c) FOX

Synopsis: A Valentine's Day special of True Love; A very open and honest account of Isaac's heart... The follow up article to this is, "Let's Face the Music and Dance."

...My most cherished Valentine’s Day present is from the beautiful and enchanting Modern Day version of Julie Andrew’s Maria (see "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?"…). It is ‘just’ a card but what the card says and embodies is what makes it so special.  It is titled “RED HOT LOVER” on the front in silver and black writing with the “RED” made from silver beads and inside she has smooched all over it in scarlet red lipstick. To put it bluntly, I was stunned and blown away.  I still have that card and it stands proud near my bedside and is very much part of me, as of course she is and naturally, I yearn to kiss her real luscious pouting lips every day :-)x.

Destiny would have our paths adjoin in Oct 07 via a rather risqué internet dating ad I had placed seeking a “Fantastic Kisser” and she answered.  Her email response to me that day is, as I have told her, simply the most breath-taking email I have ever read and it was as if she knew how important we would become to each other before we had even met, let alone mutually corresponded in any form.  She mentions finding my “electric kisser” to “kiss forever and ever” and how glad she was, that there are people like me alive on the face of the earth!   These gestures personify this most precious of human beings’ and, as I say, this modern version of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s musical star is every bit as special as Julie Andrew’s portrayal of the charmed nun turned governess.

It also just goes to show that when you are sharing today with your partner of the time or if so fortunate to be with your very real soul mate – it doesn’t need to be fancy or lavish, it just needs to come from the Heart; Just like you shouldn’t wait for a special day like today to show your feelings for another.  It doesn’t have to be long-stemmed roses or chocolates or heart shaped helium balloons that leap out from an unassuming white cardboard box when opened or even an expensive meal out or an intimate weekend getaway (of course they can all be fabulous too). It can be the simplest but most powerful of gestures such as a beautiful card as described here, say with an elegant rose ‘hidden’ inside or a simple but thoughtful text message that took months to plan showing your depths of love, trust and respect for that person.  All that matters is that it comes with meaning and purposeful thought just as any gift should.

Of course, due to the nature and complexities of us and the world at large, very few will be with their life partner today for a plethora of reasons - and human beings enter into relationships for all sorts of reasons and generally the wrong ones;  Some are in a stage of their life when they are only looking for fun – a stage I was more than happy to go through in my 20’s :-) (I am now 40 in 2 weeks from today!), some are on the stepping stones of relationships through life until they meet their Ultimate desire, some are confused, many manufacture their love kidding themselves it will work, some are on the fabled “rebound” and some of the rare minority who experience the Truest of Loves may not be able to deal with it due to very deep rooted issues stemming from childhood.

The deep rooted issues that plunged mine and Maria’s life into darkness was due to the latter, but the truth underlying our relationship is symbolised by her stunning card and embodied in everything we stand for and how at one we feel when holding hands, embracing each other or even just frolicking on the phone.  There are many facets to True Love of course and even though sadly it is looking increasingly unlikely we will be sharing our bodies with one another on a day this special, as we are yet to break tongue since she finally put stop to our entwined despair in late May last year (see "I Believe In Angels") - I do not believe we have ever been apart since we met, only in the descriptive physical sense.  We have always been able to sense each other’s feelings and emotions and at times pick up on each other’s thoughts wherever we stand, as our molecules and spirit vibe in unison and warp distance and time. And as I say in my previous articles, "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?" and “I Believe in Angels”, hopefully it is only time now before we are able to banish the injustices and traumas of the past in both our younger and more recent contexts to move forward together in perfect rhythm and harmony in a childhood dream cum reality.  To grasp this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and make this modern day fairy-tale scenario actual where, I believe, the stage is set for all the pain and heartache from the deepest pits of our stomachs to evaporate in an abracadabra style unifying kiss, this uniquely spiritually engaged Maria will hopefully manage to break her self-imposed convent style vow of silence and answer my radiating vibes once again sun.

So what of the all the other singletons out there today or the people still seeking their True mate? The person they have danced with over centuries past?  Well in fairy-tale puppet style we can all, at some point in our lives, identify and take inspiration from the handsome story of "The Lonely Goatherd,” as sung by the original and equally multi-talented, Julie Andrews’ Sound of Music Maria.  It tells the story of - well a lonely, but rather dashing goatherd who - high on a hill top - is searching for his true love and sends out his vibes in the form of “Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo” and “Lay ee odl lay ee odl-ooAh.”

Personally I have never tried this approach before, but chemistry comes in all forms and guises and clearly his vocals are strong as is his musical prowess and his octaves vibrate far and wide, penetrating the souls of many. One beautiful girl in a pale pink coat resonates with his harmonious tones and responds in unison – just as I placed my internet dating ad and Maria resonated with my vibes!

Now I am not saying to find your soul mate you have to go out and start yodelling. In fact, in today’s X-Factor audition era, it may be your wonderful attempts to woo that very special person this way go unappreciated and you may end up being arrested for breach of the peace!  However, never one to stamp on enthusiasm, should this article inspire those daring enough to conjure up their yodelling talent and you find yourself equally blessed with a megaphone then by all means let the streets of far and away from wherever you live hear your dulcet (fingers crossed) tones.  After all, the once lonely goatherd is no longer lonely and blessed with True Happiness with his beautiful blonde pig-tailed companion and child, as depicted by the wonderful mini puppetry musical.

We are fortunate though, for us more reserved characters, that in the modern era we do not need to yodel to find our true loved one, but simply to venture our vibes into the ether in a myriad of more modern forms. In my case it was a dating ad, in your case it could be simply bumping into your soul mate in a Tesco Supermarket, via speed dating, on holiday in the Caribbean or even high up on the Inca Trail in Peru.  What this beautiful clip from the magical Sound of Music illustrates is that it will happen if you keep an open mind and listen to the world around you – you just don’t know when or where. However, just as I did, you will hopefully realise as soon as you meet that uniquely special person and in her words, electric kiss, forever and ever.

Happy Valentines Day Everyone.

And Modern Day Maria, “Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo” … heart04


[Also read Isaac's latest posts, "One Last Sleep", 'She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014;' "A Kiss from a Rose", 'A Champagne and Rolex Affair...; "Sex on Fire", Making you Shine for Valentine's Day; an emotional aphrodisiac and Isaac's steamiest article yet...; "A Giraffe is not just for Xmas" and "The Bobby Ewing Shuffle", the follow up to “True Love at 15000,” an article stirred with beautiful love, showers, dreams and Dallas x... Other relevant articles include: "True Love at 15000", an article about 'coming of age,' wisdom, dreams and, of course, True Love...; "Let's Face the Music and Dance", the follow up to this article and an insightful look at relationships and the lessons to be learned from our elders; "Scream and Shout", exploring Love at Xmas Time... Let it ALL OUT!; "Naked Fishes", a Birthday celebration of's Modern Day heroine, Maria; "Suicide Blonde", an unbridled account of how Isaac’s world collapsed and why he is still alive today to tell his story; "A Journey Becomes One", an article full of Heart & Love as Isaac Sarayiah Celebrates becoming a "Little Daddy,"  "Land of Hope and Glory - The London 2012 Games"  Isaac's view on the London 2012 Olympic Games, "Healing Power of Sand," Isaac's guide to Healing the Mind, Body and Spirit of Life’s stresses and emotional complexities and provide a path to True Happiness and Love, "The Naked Countess - Interview Inclusive", "A Mother's Love" and "Staying Alive"]

I Believe In Angels

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Person Embracing A Bright Light Above

Picture of a person embracing a bright light from above

Synopsis: Isaac's metaphysical journey over the past 12 months... The prequel article to this is, "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?"

...As we approach the end of a year, many reflect as to where they were 12 months ago and what has transpired since. To reflect upon mistakes made, wonderful times had and maybe some bad times had too.  Encompassing that is our spirituality or our religion/ beliefs and what this time of the year really means.  I am not religious, but I am spiritual and that spirituality has only been enhanced over the past 12 months as my beliefs, love and loyalties remained absolute (and still do) when faced with a tremendous challenge in my life.

As readers of this blog and indeed my Facebook wall will know I was going through a very tough time, but it was in December last year that I was at my very lowest.  I was probably functioning about 10% and in tears pretty much most of the time - I was that low.  All of this was a natural progression from a chain of events (The Butterfly Effect) that started in Jan 2010 due to what I believe was a lack of communication between myself and the person I believe wholeheartedly is my soul mate, the wonderful and beautiful modern day Maria (see prequel article, How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?).  Due to the events that were transpiring, my heart and spirit had been broken and I was literally knocking on Heaven’s Gates. In other words, I was on my knees. It was a desperate situation.

Yet very positive situations can occur from deeply negative occurrences and I had always believed – due to my knowledge of the truth of the situation and the bigger picture – that this would be the case and which would ultimately result in our reunion.  I believe that if you understand the fundamentals (truth) of a situation and can see the bigger picture then you will see the only outcome that is inevitable and before it happens – like looking into the future. Yet, almost a year on since this terrible situation had started it was showing no signs of going away (in fact it was getting worse) and I was shattered and even though these beliefs remained resolute I was in so much pain and heartache that I simply didn’t want to be here anymore and my body and brain were shutting down – even my speech was becoming slurred.

But on 21st Dec 2010 – a year to the day - I was to experience something that in hindsight would mark the beginning of my revival and show me that I was being protected by higher energies.  As I say I am not religious and never really thought about Angels before as something that actually existed outside of fabled tales and the Bible of course.  However, I was this morning to witness first hand this apparition and this was to trigger a series of events that would save my life and ultimately bring me to where I am today…a much revitalised Isaac!  They say that Angels appear at a persons’ lowest point – at their time most in need - to protect and guide them and as I lay awake in bed at 5.45am, tears streaming down my face, I saw a bright light. Initially I thought that was it, as it is well documented that many who are close to dying experience a bright light and they move towards it. I thought it was now my time to go and to be honest I would have gone happily as I was desperately unhappy – I just wanted to be at Peace. But the light I was witnessing, as I seemingly moved closer towards it, proved to be emanating from the body of a beautiful Angel who had come to me with the face of Maria (I was later to research this and it is said Angels will often appear with the face of someone close to the person in need and who they trust). The Angel’s form was as is depicted in many illustrations that you will find on the web and in literature and whilst basking in her glow, I began to feel at peace and restful – all my pain was being taken away and I was being healed.

This experience lasted about 8 minutes and after that I just lay there in panic, not knowing what to do. I was alone in my sister’s flat and was unsure as to what just happened meant and was frightened…Was I actually dying? Do I call an ambulance (999)? What do I do?  I decided the best course of action was to text the person who had been in charge of my care over the Summer months, Dr Adrian Lord of the Cygnet Hospital, Harrow – a person who I had built up a rapport and level of trust with. I saw him that day and a couple of days later my family paid for me to be in hospital over this critical period so I spent XMAS and New Year in a private hospital with 2 other patients – not much of a XMAS, but it kept me alive and the food was good – not that I was eating much.

Then in May of this year, the terrible ordeal that started in Jan 2010 ended exactly how I had predicted it would – pretty much to the astonishment of everyone I think - and I was handed my life back.  I was still low, but not at those extreme levels...

To be fully recovered Maria and I need to heal each other and though we are yet to speak directly I believe we are well on that path now – a path which will hopefully see our eternal flame rekindled as we embark on a conjoined life full of excitement, happiness and sexual ecstasy :-) and together, I believe, we can do some truly wondrous things and hopefully help many.

It goes to show that if you don’t stop a mistake once realised in its tracks the ripple effects of that mistake can be truly horrendous, but at the same time tremendous positivity from the deep negative is I believe just at its beginning. This blog is now my passion and I would never have created this if it hadn’t been for those 16 months and its success has so far been stunning.  Equally I met some truly wonderful people whilst in hospital whom I would never have met if none of this had happened and one of them has a luxury apartment in Malaga, Spain where I have been recovering from time to time as their guest, which equally would never had happened.

I also believe the deep issues behind why this all happened are now solvable which would not have been possible had this situation between us not actually occurred and I had not taken the stance I did to show her just how much I truly care.

Ultimately, this experience has made me believe in destiny and that the Universe is always speaking to you and you just need to listen. It was Maria that told me about the Law of Attraction (The Secret, Rhonda Byrne) – how we can interact with the causal laws of the Universe to make things happen - and I believe in that, except after this episode in my life, I believe whatever outcome happens has already been pre-destined.  Yes of course tough times will happen and sometimes they are beyond our control and you just have to step back and trust, as Steve Jobs says, that the dots connect ultimately in a positive manner, whether that be in your life or the impacted life of others. To me now everything is written and the key to unlocking the mysteries of life and understanding those outcomes before they happen are within each and every one of us – you just need to really want it, be prepared for sacrifice and trust in who you are as a human being; To not be afraid to go against the grain and to think differently…

Finally, I would just like to thank my amazing family and friends who have showed me so much love and who worked tirelessly and sacrificed so much to protect me that equally none of this would be possible without them and which has also brought us much closer together as a family – another powerful positive x.

Life is fun again and I have my mojo back :-)x…

Merry XMAS xx

[Also read Isaac's latest posts, "One Last Sleep", 'She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014;' "A Kiss from a Rose", 'A Champagne and Rolex Affair...; "Sex on Fire", Making you Shine for Valentine's Day; an emotional aphrodisiac and Isaac's steamiest article yet...; "A Giraffe is not just for Xmas" and "The Bobby Ewing Shuffle", the follow up to “True Love at 15000,” an article stirred with beautiful love, showers, dreams and Dallas x... Other relevant articles include: "True Love at 15000", an article about 'coming of age,' wisdom, dreams and, of course, True Love...; "Let's Face the Music and Dance", the follow up to, "The Lonely Goatherd," and an insightful look at relationships and the lessons to be learned from our elders; "Scream and Shout", exploring Love at Xmas Time... Let it ALL OUT!; "Naked Fishes", a Birthday celebration of's Modern Day heroine, Maria; "Suicide Blonde", an unbridled account of how Isaac’s world collapsed and why he is still alive today to tell his story; "A Journey Becomes One", an article full of Heart & Love as Isaac Sarayiah Celebrates becoming a "Little Daddy,"  "Land of Hope and Glory - The London 2012 Games"  Isaac's view on the London 2012 Olympic Games, "Healing Power of Sand," Isaac's guide to Healing the Mind, Body and Spirit of Life’s stresses and emotional complexities and provide a path to True Happiness and Love, "The Naked Countess - Interview Inclusive", "A Mother's Love", "Staying Alive", "A Celebration of Life" and "The Lonely Goatherd", Isaac Sarayiah's Valentine's Day article on True Love x]

Feel The Love

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Kelly Rowland Perfoming on X Factor, 4th Dec 2011 copyright (c) ITV and X Factor 2011

...As of last week, broke into the top 1m websites in the world for traffic (and in the top 10,000 in London) as ranked by Alexa, having only launched in late August and a jump of over 26m places; If I can help just one person from this site then my efforts have been worthwhile so thank you to all those who have taken the time to visit my creation and continue to spread the word x.

To celebrate, join me in taking delight at the stunning Kelly Rowland’s refreshing performance on the UK version of the X Factor on Sunday night…

Having fun in life and being true to who you really are as a person and human being and your deepest of passions - in everything you do - is so important and a fundamental in being Truly Happy, as is being with your truest of loves. Kelly’s performance is engaging, inspiring and it is clear just from her body language that she was having fun on stage and thoroughly enjoying the vibe of the evening, which she herself helped create by her openness and interaction with the audience and the reaction was one of adoration. Positivity breeds positivity…

Enjoy the video.

Have a fabulous day.

be FREE be ALIVE :-)x

[Also read Isaac's latest posts, "One Last Sleep", 'She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014;' "A Kiss from a Rose", 'A Champagne and Rolex Affair...; "Sex on Fire", Making you Shine for Valentine's Day; an emotional aphrodisiac and Isaac's steamiest article yet...; "A Giraffe is not just for Xmas" and "The Bobby Ewing Shuffle", the follow up to “True Love at 15000,” an article stirred with beautiful love, showers, dreams and Dallas x... Other relevant articles include: "True Love at 15000", an article about 'coming of age,' wisdom, dreams and, of course, True Love...; "Let's Face the Music and Dance", the follow up to, "The Lonely Goatherd," and an insightful look at relationships and the lessons to be learned from our elders; "Scream and Shout", exploring Love at Xmas Time... Let it ALL OUT!; "Naked Fishes", a Birthday celebration of's Modern Day heroine, Maria; "Suicide Blonde", an unbridled account of how Isaac’s world collapsed and why he is still alive today to tell his story; "A Journey Becomes One", an article full of Heart & Love as Isaac Sarayiah Celebrates becoming a "Little Daddy,"  "Land of Hope and Glory - The London 2012 Games"  Isaac's view on the London 2012 Olympic Games, "Healing Power of Sand," Isaac's guide to Healing the Mind, Body and Spirit of Life’s stresses and emotional complexities and provide a path to True Happiness and Love, "The Naked Countess - Interview Inclusive", "Staying Alive", "A Mother's Love", "A Celebration of Life" and "The Lonely Goatherd", Isaac Sarayiah's Valentine's Day article on True Love x]

Black Friday

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Image of Bailout Failing, Market Crash.jpg

Image from

...Following on from my article,The Butterfly Effect; and as today is known as Black Friday in the United States then I thought I would call this article the same…the relevance should be become apparent as you read it.  What now follows is a current analysis of key equity markets and why I believe we are heading much lower from todays' current levels.

At the time of writing, the FTSE 100 index in the UK and the Dow 30 and S&P 500 in the US - which are leading world indices - have completed Head & Shoulder patterns on the weekly charts.  Should the stock market falls continue, then within days the charts should post sell signals on the MACD (a widely watched technical indicator) at the weekly level.

A Head & Shoulders pattern is a bearish pattern that signals a potential fall in markets. In addition, the FTSE 100 is now below the key 200 day Moving Average on the weekly chart which is another sell signal and very bearish even though the Dow and S&P 500 have yet to breach that key level on their relative 24 hour trading charts.

Should these patterns play out then they indicate a minimum fall of 20% from current market levels and once the sell signal is triggered on the weekly charts, the fall could take the form of large one day drops or controlled falls, but seeing the current price action of the markets where the FTSE 100 index has fallen for 9 straight days it is leading me to believe that a huge one day sell off could be imminent. I post pictures of these charts for reference (click image to enlarge).

FTSE weekly bar chart, Head and Shoulders formation, 251111.pngFTSE 100 Weekly Bar Chart


FTSE MACD weekly H&S, 251111.pngFTSE 100 Weekly MACD


Wall Street weekly bar chart, Head and Shoulders Formation, 251111.pngDow Jones Industrial Average Weekly Bar Chart


Wall Street MACD weekly MACD, 251111.pngDow Jones Industrial Average Weekly MACD


S&P500 weekly bar chart, Head and Shoulders Formation, 251111.pngS&P 500 Weekly Bar Chart


S&P500 MACD weekly Head and Shoulders, 251111.pngS&P500 Weekly MACD

These charts are based on 24 hour trading and not on the daily cash charts. Also I am only looking at a selection of technical indicators (some of which I do not discuss in this article) and I must stress that this is purely my opinion and I am not qualified to give financial trading advice. Please read the terms and conditions on my blog for further information.

However, once the neckline on these Head & Shoulder formations is broken (as indicated by the black thick line in the weekly bar chart graphs), only a move higher above the peak of the Head on each index will nullify this bearish pattern, but it is my opinion that this will not happen and next year markets will move significantly lower than their 2008 stock market lows.

By taking a step back to study the bigger (Global) picture and understand the fundamentals, the inevitable conclusion is of this dramatic outcome.

Image of Julie Andrews, Sound of Music

Image of Julie Andrews, The Sound of Music (1965)

Synopsis: True Love and the Twist of Fate; a True Story... The follow up article to this is, "I Believe in Angels"

...The Sound of Music with Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer is one of the all-time greats and definitely one of my favourite films. I remember, as both a child and an adult, passionately huddling round the TV with my family watching around XMAS time.  In fact it was never XMAS until the Sound of Music was aired.  For those few who don’t know, it tells the enchanting love story of how a most beautiful, charming, delightful and very talented nun, Maria falls in love with Captain Von Trapp, a retired naval officer. As they get to know each other Captain Von Trapp finally stomachs up the courage to admit his feelings for her and they get married to live happily ever after.  But only after the wonderful Maria, frightened of her true feelings for the Captain tried to deny those feelings and runs away from the situation and the Captain, back to the convent from whence she came.  I surmise, that if the story had ended there then I doubt the film would have ever been as successful, as it would have been a very sad ending to something that could have been so amazing and special, but fortunately for both Maria and Captain Von Trapp (and of course the children) common sense and true love prevailed. Interestingly the Sound of Music is based on a True Story.

Almost 4 years ago, I met the modern day version of Maria; Charming, Beautiful, Warm, Kind, Intelligent, Creative, Great with furniture rearranging and the list just keeps on going and we embarked on what was to become my most important relationship. In fact, in hindsight I had fallen deeply in love with her from the moment we met. She is, I believe, my soul mate and being with this person was the most incredible time of my life.

Alas, we didn’t have sing-alongs around her open hearth – in fact come to think of it I don’t think I’ve ever heard her sing (and I can’t sing), but what we lacked in musical charm we made up for in other ways and it was, “always great.”

But as I was to find out, sometimes fate holds a cruel deck of cards and regardless how strong the bond is between two people, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we will be physically together forever…well not at that moment in time.  In our case the circumstances that transpired were truly horrific and didn’t end until May this year, having imploded in Jan 2010 and it happened, I believe, due to a lack of communication on a sensitive topic and just snowballed. But people make mistakes and the key thing is to rectify those mistakes and sometimes all it takes is a simple sorry or nudge to restart a path with tremendous possibilities and happiness.

The story emphasises the importance of problem solving from the outset and seeing the bigger picture. By talking open and honestly you can express your feelings and so allow the other person/ party to have a better gauge of the situation and importantly by getting things off your chest, you feel better whereas bottling things in only aides in negativity. Of course, sometimes doing so entails overcoming deep rooted fears but once overcome you will be free and can be truly happy and importantly be at peace within yourself. 

As the fallible creatures we are, we are always going to make several mistakes in life – some major and some trivial, but acknowledging those mistakes, learning from them and rectifying them is the only way to prevent further adverse consequences and heartache.

Maria isn’t the problem… what she is, is a shining light in this world; and The Sound of Music shows how love can traverse all circumstances and I am hopeful our modern day version will follow suit, but only time will tell...  xx

[The follow up article to this is, "I Believe In Angels", but also read: Isaac's latest posts, "One Last Sleep", 'She Died in my Arms Tonight... RIP Mum, 1st June 1935 to 13th June 2014;' "A Kiss from a Rose", 'A Champagne and Rolex Affair...; "Sex on Fire", Making you Shine for Valentine's Day; an emotional aphrodisiac and Isaac's steamiest article yet...; "A Giraffe is not just for Xmas" and "The Bobby Ewing Shuffle", the follow up to “True Love at 15000,” an article stirred with beautiful love, showers, dreams and Dallas x... Other relevant articles include: "True Love at 15000", an article about 'coming of age,' wisdom, dreams and, of course, True Love...; "Let's Face the Music and Dance", the follow up to, "The Lonely Goatherd," and an insightful look at relationships and the lessons to be learned from our elders; "Scream and Shout", exploring Love at Xmas Time... Let it ALL OUT!; "Naked Fishes", a Birthday celebration of's Modern Day heroine, Maria; "Suicide Blonde", an unbridled account of how Isaac’s world collapsed and why he is still alive today to tell his story; "A Journey Becomes One", an article full of Heart & Love as Isaac Sarayiah Celebrates becoming a "Little Daddy,"  "Land of Hope and Glory - The London 2012 Games"  Isaac's view on the London 2012 Olympic Games, "Healing Power of Sand," Isaac's guide to Healing the Mind, Body and Spirit of Life’s stresses and emotional complexities and provide a path to True Happiness and Love x, "Steve Jobs iRIP 1955-2011", "Happy New Year - The Final Edition", "Wacky Races", "The Lonely Goatherd", "A Celebration of Life", "A Mother's Love", "Staying Alive" and "The Naked Countess"]


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