Picture of a couple in a passionate embrace surrounded by flames. Pic by Amarell07
Synopsis: Making you Shine for Valentine's Day; an emotional aphrodisiac and Isaac's steamiest article yet...
...Valentine’s Day can be very challenging for relationships especially if it is a relatively new relationship and you are only just finding your feet. What do you do for your partner of the day? Do you send him/her a card, a card and flowers or chocolates, go for dinner, go away for a steamy romantic break somewhere, share a candlelit bath together, cook a romantic meal – a combination or do nothing? There is no easy answer to this and it can put a strain on a relationship, plus there may be fiscal constraints and or you may have other responsibilities which limit in what you can do. Personally – and I speak from experience – doing nothing is not the option I would select. Showing someone how you truly feel and that you care about them is an important part of a successful relationship, as is a healthy sex life, which acts as confirmation to the words and feelings.
In my first Valentine’s Day spent with angelic Modern Day Maria in 2008, which was 4 months into our special relationship (see "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?") - I unbelievably didn’t give her anything. The reason behind this follows and I was mortified when she pulled out from under her bed that evening the present I cherish to this day. A present which I have mentioned before (see my previous Valentine's Day article, "The Lonely Goatherd"); a card which on the front said, “RED HOT LOVER,” and inside she had covered it with her scintillating kisses in scarlet lipstick. I felt as small as an ant that was about to be squished and had to look her embarrassingly in her longing dark eyes and say “I didn’t get you anything.” She said it was “ok,” but it wasn’t and it wasn’t ok to me in any event.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to give her anything – I wanted to do so much to show her how I really felt about her and how incredible it was just being with her, but I was frightened to do so because I thought it may result in the end of our relationship.
Shortly before Valentine’s Day we were lying in bed together. It was early Sunday morning and my naked body was wrapped tightly around hers after a magical night of love-making and I was gently nibbling her right ear; I remember it well and I am sure - when she reads this from a heart-breaking 4000 miles away in her seemingly new abode in the Caribbean island of Martinique - she will too (please come home!).
I decided I was going to pluck up the courage and tell her how I felt even though a voice in my head told me not to do this because it would be difficult for her to know how to respond (now believed to be my guiding Angels and not that I was actually going crazy – see "I Believe in Angels" and "The Healing Power of Sand"). I remember I was very nervous about telling her and continually sensed her emotions and body language until I briefly deviated from paying attention to her lovely ear, took a deep breath and said to her, “I think I am beginning to have feelings for you.”
Maria literally froze; fear sent shivers running down her spine before exploring the rest of her naked body and then - as a sprinter on her marks - she bolted upright, ready get out of her wrinkled warm bed into the February dewy chill and run the 100m; similar to how philosopher Friedrich(!) Nietsche ran naked through the streets shouting gibberish she may have been about to do the same. In fact, she started to utter complete gibberish about how we should maybe cool it, start seeing each other less etc., before calming down and falling back into my caressing body. I knew before I had revealed my inner most feelings that she was going to find this difficult, but didn’t realise she would be so frightened. Nevertheless, I felt it was very important she knew how much I cared for her (see "The Naked Countess - Interview Exclusive").
As Valentine’s Day approached, I was torn. I wanted to do something beautiful for her, but was afraid to show my feelings in case she panicked again so I decided to do nothing. To not give her anything – not even a card. Not realising that she was about to send me into confusion with her dramatic show of feelings with her enchanting gift.
Despite this lack of reciprocity on the gift side we consummated our first Valentine’s night together with incredible passion and multiple times love-making. From the moment we met in Oct 07, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and generally within minutes of seeing each other we were kissing, touching and hastily removing each other’s’ clothes; making good geometric use of her apartment and Roche Bobois designed modular Mah Jong sofa; our passion never tired. I am sure she’d consider us the proverbial, ‘rabbits.’
We enjoyed every moment of being together and she always spoke of how special it is between us. The following Valentine’s Day, I was to try and make up for my complete stupidity with a compendium of heartfelt and loving presents and she responded gleefully, saying she was being, “spoilt.”
It should go without saying – it is important to convey your feelings to your partner on a regular basis and not just one day a year, communicating openly and honestly. Something, which devastatingly, Maria and I fell down on until it was too late and which ultimately brought an end to the magical relationship and then almost my life! We never discussed our true feelings after that day even though we gave each other gifts that oozed love and affection. I attempted to do so after she ended it on impulse in autumn 2009 and once I realised that without her I am living in complete darkness (see "Naked Fishes"), but she has never been able to discuss this openly with me. At the time it was probably because she wasn’t ready for this and by me trying to talk about it/us - I think I pushed her away until a switch in her head clicked that said, “don’t go back with Isaac.”
Trying to disable this switch is proving incredibly hard and my monumental efforts seemingly fall on deaf ears despite her having very good hearing! As she hasn’t picked up the phone to talk with me - the negative, out of character and ill-judged decisions she made at the time, which distressingly were to ultimately endanger my life (see "Suicide Blonde" and "The Bobby Ewing Shuffle") have put her on a path, which has upsettingly and unsettlingly, seen her move 4000 miles away from her close family and me to live in the Caribbean; without a sorry for all the deep pain and heartache or a Judith Chalmers, “Wish You Were Here” postcard or text (see "The Butterfly Effect...").
There is no question this is a crushing decision and likely not just for me, as she in the process splits up from her tight family unit and support network; I am sure she is missing her family intensely and just as equally - they must be missing their captivating, fun, intelligent, mesmerising loved one. I speculate that it may be a poisoned chalice to be where she is now and I can only wish – should this be the case - she realises this quickly and returns home. A sacrifice of this magnitude always has consequences, which, in addition, to the tears of sadness on all sides, sadly may prove highly destructive and self-destructive in the longer term. As she forgivingly said to me when I made an enormous mistake in the relationship and unthinkably hurt her, “we all make mistakes;” and it is having the courage to stop those mistakes in its tracks once realised and reverse decisions that is incredibly important before real (and sometimes irreversible) harm is done, depending on the gravity of the mistake. We all hurt by this decision. Family is so important and my sisters were instrumental in fighting for my life when I was at the point of no return (see "Staying Alive").
I doubt the fabled ‘paradise’ is a destination except within our hearts. Not a place with pure sandy beaches, idyllic scenery and weather, but being intertwined on every level with the person who you truly and have always loved. Your one and only electric kisser and two-stepping dancing partner of past, present and future (see "Let’s Face the Music and Dance") and once with them – the sun is always shining regardless of the external climate. But who knows - maybe Martinique will be my next holiday destination! After all - my heritage is the Caribbean so maybe it’s time I finally visited my roots!
Being open with your feelings to your partner/ lover - even if it is difficult due to the past and expressing your love and affection for one another should be a regular thing. It also opens things up for discussion and means any mistakes, problems or incorrect assumptions can be corrected immediately without any damage being done to the relationship.
Equally, having a healthy sex life is an imperative for a healthy relationship. As already stated, spirited Modern Day Maria and I enjoyed a very healthy, active and vibrant sex life. Being sexually compatible with your partner is very important, but it seems that in today’s world of striving to work hard, social media and even the game candy crush – have a detrimental impact on people’s sex lives. It was with surprise I was to read an article recently, which stated that the national average of couples having sex in the UK was only 4.9 times per month! (www.bbc.co.uk/news/health)
It took me by surprise because I have a very healthy and high sex drive and love sex more than most, Maria would say. Even at the depths of my depression as openly discussed on here, I never lost my libido.
Personally, I would have a grave problem if my partner of the day said to me, “Sorry honey, can’t come to bed just yet – playing Candy Crush!” I don’t think they would be my partner for very long! And honestly, these seem excuses for what maybe a tired relationship where the initial passion has gone and you are just going through the motions. If that is the case then maybe you shouldn’t be with that person anymore; relationships can just be stepping stones for something more fulfilling further down the line or a much needed companionship, which helps support you both at a very important time in your lives or casual fun etc.
But regardless, sex plays a very important role and if you are planning on staying together and are not having sex (or not having it as often as you would like), then you need to make the time to reignite the passion otherwise it will only breed stress and tension and bring the relationship closer to finale. If you are not being touched, kissed, erotically fondled, having your clothes metaphorically (or indeed literally) torn off, made to feel wanted etc – you feel unloved and alone even if your partner is lying right next to you.
About 9 years ago, I was in a relationship like that and it was very stressful. I would make excuses so as not to come to bed because I was very frustrated at lying next to her and not being able to touch her or make love to her. I also have a strict no clothes policy in bed and she never went to bed naked! That relationship ended after 5 months even though we stayed close friends for years later, but unhappily that friendship came to end the day Maria ended our nightmare in May 2011.
I am pretty high maintenance when it comes to sex and what is my fetish is not necessarily yours, but you do need to be sexually compatible with the person you are seeing. And if you or your partner are lacking in intimacy – remind yourselves that sex brings lots of health benefits as well as bringing you/ keeping you closer together.
“Darling, I have a headache,” should be a voice of the past and definitely not a reason not to have sex! In fact, sex is actually great at getting rid of a headache. It is true! Having an orgasm releases endorphins that closely resemble morphine and so acts as a pain reliever. This will work regardless whether you have a headache, toothache, backache etc (source: www.womenshealthmag.com). For a similar reason, regular intimacy also boosts the immune systems, which helps fight off coughs and colds and can also prevent depression or reduce its symptoms. I can’t remember Modern Day Maria and I being ill during the time we dated except after her Okra dish X.
Sex is also a fabulous stress reliever, at lowering blood pressure and helping keep your heart healthy. You will receive comments from friends, family and passers-by about how radiant and HOT you are looking, as you unwittingly glow to the outside world and look 10 years younger. Regular wonderful sex makes you feel great, boosting self-esteem and happiness levels and sex first thing in the morning (which I absolutely adore – even though I am not going to quibble regardless of time) sets your mood for the day. Orgasms cause a surge in the hormones oxytocin and prolactin, which calms you down, aids in relaxation and having a good night’s sleep, which again is important for preventing/ relieving stress and ailments (source: www.cosmopolitan.co.uk and www.webmd.com ). Also by lowering your stress and tension levels and being happier and more confident, you are able to think more clearly, which enhances your decision making process leading to more positivity in your life.
Bring him/her tea and toast in bed in the morning, as another sign of your appreciation for your partner (making sure not to get crumbs in bed!) and then make love. A fabulous, gorgeous, ‘very wise and clever’ girlfriend of mine who oozes sex appeal says, ‘tea followed by sex does it for her in the morning.’ Experiment with positions and fetishes; wear sexy clothing, incorporate food and maybe even an ice cube whilst indulging in oral sex. Give your partner sensuous massages (take turns). Have sex in risqué places… Watch porn together. Basically anything that you think will spice up the relationship to get you both interested in each other’s bodies again. Tie them up (consensually), or use a blind fold to enhance the erotic mood and sensations (Modern Day Maria gave me a kinky pink blindfold as a present!).
Further, great sex is fab for burning off calories and keeping in shape. Even though estimates vary, if you put enough effort into your passion sessions you could burn 3-5 calories per minute of intercourse (men and women) so if you can last 10 minutes and do that 5 times a day then you have just roughly burnt off the equivalent of a Mars bar or a 20 minute run!
And given that work seems to be sapping people’s energy for bedroom liaisons (even though, of course, make use of other rooms in the home too!) - maybe employers could consider giving workers a paid half day off each week so that they can spend intimate time with their partners or even have conjugal visits at work! It will illustrate they care about their workers and the employee will be much less stressed and happier and hopefully as a result - more productive. Maybe trial it employers! Show your foresight! A sexually active worker is a happy worker…
In a region in Russia, they have a day off a year just for sex to help with the birth rate and have been doing this since 2006 apparently. Clearly a step in the right direction, but one day off a year is simply not enough. If you have a half day off a week you can spend sensual quality time together with your partner before going to work or maybe return early and spend the afternoon and evening together, relaxing erotically in a sumptuous warm bath before ravaging each other on a bed of roses (roses optional) or the kitchen worktop. If your employer is especially generous, you can take the months half days at once and knowing this is paid time means you have no stress about making up your earnings. This should help spur more intimate moments during the week, boost your relationship, health and happiness and the more you have sex, generally the more you want it.
So what are you all waiting for? Finish reading this and then get jiggy this Valentine’s Day weekend (except for you, beautiful Modern Day Maria!).
My love and support is always here for you and your family x.